Am I not good enough?

[BloodyInnocence]

sorry pt ca v-am facut sa asteptati:) dar uitati am pus un capitol lung, hope you all will enjoy it.
***

“So why do you go there if you don`t enjoy it?”
“Sincerely, I just don`t know. I really can`t say no to Michelle and can`t tell her that I don`t like that place.” I say while I put on what little make-up I wear day-to-day.
“Ablase, you are too good for your own sake.”
My boyfriend always says to me this thing and I know it`s true. Everyone tells me that I`m too kind, too good, too innocent, too something but don`t want to change. I like to see the good in the people around me because if I stop believing in the glass that is half full then I`ll become bitter and bad like other people. It is something that I believe with all my heart.

“I know, Damon please forgive me but I have to hang up now, ok? I have to go.” I say a bit sad because I can`t talk to the one I love.
“No problem, Ablase. I can`t talk either. I`ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“I`ll be waiting for your call, like always. Oh, and love you!”
“I love you too, take care!”

Before could say another word he hangs up. I know that he loves me and am not insecure about this but it just troubles me the way he ends the conversation, without letting me say another word. Anyway, I don`t have time to think about this because I need to get to Michelle`s studio fast. Promised my friend that I`ll be there to watch out for her. She gets crazy sometimes when she is around celebrity and today has a photo shot with one of them.

Grab my keys from the tray and get out the door, remembering to lock the door behind me.
I love my car. It is a yellow Nissan 3702. In my opinion it is a very feminine sports car, just perfect for a petite blond like me.
I arrive at the studio around half past one. Michelle and her team are freaking about the celebrity that they`ll gonna photograph and aren`t paying attention to me. So I pick a little corner and a chair to sit down next to the window. Oh, how I love to go to the park and photograph the scenery. I met Michelle in the photograph class in college and we just clicked. She loved photographing people while I liked shooting scenery and animals, landscapes. My landscapes and her photos and we make some beautiful images.

The studio is more like a big room with all kind of photographic equipment laying everywhere. There is only one small window that most of the time is covered to keep the light from ruining the photos. There are three other smaller rooms. One is the bathroom, the other is where my friend and I develop the photos and the last is the changing room where the people can do their make-up or whatever there is they do there.
Hate it here. I don`t like working in this place because sometimes Michelle`s customers hit on me or the only came so that I will take their photo. Don`t understand why they want me behind the camera because I only do landscapes not portraits. Can`t bring out the beauty of the target like Michelle does.
After twenty or so minutes my friend finally acknowledges my presence and comes to give me a big bear hug so tight that I almost lose my breath.

“Ablase! I am so glad that you came!” screams happily in my ear.
“Promised I would, didn`t I?” ask her smiling.
“You won`t believe who I`ll photograph today.” Says with enthusiasm in her voice.
Haven`t heard her this excited about something since that good for nothing boyfriend of her dumped her. Glad she found something that makes her smile that beautiful smile of hers. Michelle has this smile that simply lights her features, gives her a brightness that equals the suns.
“So guess!” says while trying to arrange her long blonde hair.
“Oh, I better not. You know I`m not that into celebrities and stuff…” I tell her putting my hand behind my head and smiling.

“Please?” she asks looking at me with her big sky blue puppy eyes.
“Okay. Let`s see… ASA?”
Michelle shakes her head implying that is a “no”.
“Cicero?”
I try again.
I try to find a boy band or boys that will get her this excited but I`m not that good at this. Don`t follow the news about who`s hot and who`s not. It doesn`t interest me so much but my friend is always trying to have a relationship with someone famous. Me, myself don`t see the attraction in dating someone who`s famous. You aren`t really alone, it is like every moment of the day someone is watching you. The privacy is non-existent and I wonder sometimes how they can live in the spotlight like this.
“Oh, leave it. I`ll tell you. Seiya Kou, the famous pop star is in New York and has a photo shot appointment with us! Isn`t this great? Seiya Kou… tall with long delicious black silky hair and a pair of midnight blue eyes that will freeze you on the spot! Oh, and do not forget about his beautifully built body…” she says with little stars in her eyes.
The name isn`t familiar, I didn`t hear about this person until now but it isn`t something unusual for me.
“You mean he has an appointment with you not with `us`.” I correct her.

“Actually… I didn`t say anything to you because I was sure you will refuse but…”
Michelle says looking apologetic at me.
“Michelle, what did you do?” I ask getting a little concerned.
“His manager called, Scott something, and he asked for you but when I began explaining to him that you just do landscapes and modify pictures he said this crazy sum of money and I just couldn`t refuse.” She explains.
“Oh, Michelle! We didn`t need the money so… bad. We earn enough and plus you know I don`t like to be thrown in the spot light like this!”

The main reason why I don`t photograph people, especially celebrities is because if you take a couple of pictures of them you will be thrown in their world so fast you don`t know what hit you and it happens whether you like it or not. Everybody begins to talk about your photos and watches your career trying to find out some dirt. And oh, man do I have dirt and secrets! No, I stayed away this long from the media I have to find a way to keep it like this.
“I know, Ablase, but if we do this will have enough money to go to Paris for a hole year without having to work. This is our dream, isn`t it?”
“That much? But why would he pay us this much money for some simple photos?” I ask.

Something just isn`t right here. Nobody, celebrity or not celebrity, pays so much for a single photo shot.
“What is the catch Michelle?”
“Nothing gets by you. We have to put a girl in his arms. He doesn’t know about it and if he finds out he won`t do the shot so we have to modify them a little.”
“I`m not photographing him and I don`t want the credit for the photos. I`ll modify them but just that and nothing else. Okay, Mina?”
“You`re the best!”
My friend screams and hugs me so tight I almost lose my breath for the second time this day.
“Hold on a second. This time next year I`ll be married. I can`t go to Paris with you for a hole year.” I say and see the sadness appear in her eyes.
“Can`t you wait? You know what I think about that guy. He didn`t deserve you when we were in college and he certainly don`t deserve you not. Always going on trips for whole months and leaving you behind to wait for him and then he doesn`t call for weeks. You are making a big mistake, Ablase.”

“I don`t want to talk about this Michelle. I love him, he loves me. He is the one. So let`s just not talk about this anymore.”
“Very well, but I still think you are making a big mistake.”
Everyone stops what they are doing to look at the two of us fighting, it is the first time they saw us like this. We have two girls and one boy to help us with our equipment and sometimes one of them comes with me on my little trips to find something interesting to photograph.
“Get to work and stop steering!”
I yell at them and they go back to work.

In the next moment a big black man enters the studio followed by a white boy with long pitch black hair. One of our girl helpers, her name is Clarisa and is a petite brunet with feisty personality goes to greet them.

“Good day, gentlemen. With what can I help you?” she asks batting her eyelashes at the white one.
“I am Kou Seiya and my manager Scot Barnell made an appointment for today at two o`clock.” The white one says.
Clarisa looks at him trying to remember something that she forgot, at least this is what I make out of her expression while mister Kou waits patiently to be recognized. I put a hand in front of my mouth and try not to laugh. I would`ve been in the same situation if Michelle didn`t informed me about his identity. The only distinction between me and her is that in spite of her brunet hair she`s in fact a totally blond one. She isn`t going to recognize him anytime soon and the other two are trying to have all the things ready for the shot.

Michelle looks at me, begging me silently with her eyes to go and help Clarisa out but I raise my hands in front of me, refusing her. She accepted the job, it is her problem. I don`t want to be involved with someone like him. He looks pretty cocky and a player. I really don`t need to attract his attention, especially since I`m recently engaged. Remembering this fact, I look at my ring. The beautiful heart shape stone is the color of a pall pink and is so finely crafted in a classical design that I just fell in love with it. Pink isn`t really my color of choice, don`t know why everyone assumes that I like pink, when in fact I love midnight blue. It is something almost mystical about this color. It is the one that the sky takes at night and it is the one that the heart of the ocean took from God knows where.
“Jones?”
I hear my friend calling my name with concern in her voice.

“Yes, Taylor?” I say knowing before looking at her that the customer was in earshot proximity and had to act professionally.
I wasn`t prepared to meet midnight blue, especially since I was just thinking about this color, eyes looking at me with such shook and… I don`t know what that something else is in his eyes… maybe curiosity? In those deep midnight blue just in the center of them I see a spark that doesn`t belong there. My heart stops and I forget to breath, something that haven`t happened to me since so long ago. When I forgot about those butterflies that made my stomach jingle? Where did they go? Remember that I was so calm when Damon proposed, that I only screamed and hugged him because that was what I was supposed to do. That was what everyone wanted to see me do but am I actually happy? Am I actually in love with him?

“This is Kou Seiya, the famous pop singer and we are going to photograph him today” , after a short pause she exploded, “isn`t it great? I mean Kou Seiya, here, in person!”
Michelle screamed jumping up and down just being her happy, no worries self.
Seiya just smiled and tried to act as if this didn`t bothered him at all, as if he was used to this kind of reactions. But I can see that he would prefer if we would act normal.
“Nice to meet you, mister Kou. I am… one of Michelle`s assistants.”
I say extending my hand to shake his and giving him a warm smile or I hope it is a warm one.

I don`t feel like smiling right now because his midnight blues just shook my world. Intentionally didn`t mention my name, didn`t want his attention. Especially, when I am feeling so exposed and am questioning my feelings for the one that I`ve been with for the last five years. Five years means three of college and two of high school. How can I question my feelings after so long? After so many happy moments, dreams about getting married to Damon and having his children and just being happy, why do I question them now? What is with this feeling that I`m doing something wrong all of a sudden? That something is missing. Oh, get a grip already! I`m just having second thoughts about this hole engagement thing and the fact that Damon had to go all of a sudden doesn`t help me at all.

When I wake yp from my thoughts I can see that Michelle is quietly trying to fix the light in the studio not letting anyone touching anything and refusing with stubbornness any help while Seiya is just steering at me, smiling a very disturbing smile. It makes him look like a wolf that has in front of him a very juicy sheep and is ready to attack.
“Why are you steering at me, Mister Kou?” I ask as polite as I can.
“Oh, sorry. I just… was thinking of how much fun it will be if we would go out sometimes, so what do you say?: he ask me continuing to smile in that same way.

Blinking a couple of times, I try to swallow the nod that appeared in my throat. Want to say “no”, to refuse him but can`t really get the words out.
“It`s okay sugar if you are a little overwhelmed. Everyone is when I invite them out.”
When those words of his struck home I feel a wave of rage washing over me. Who does he think he is calling me “sugar” and assuming that because I can`t find my words the answer is “yes”? he is just as bad as all the rest of the celebrities. Just a playboy.
“Why would you assume that I would have said yes?”
“Because I`m one hell of a catch.”

“Yeah, really sorry, but I`m taken. See this beautiful ring on this finger?” I ask showing him my heart shape ring.
For just a fraction of a second I see on his face something that looks very much as sadness but it may be my eyes that are playing tricks on me. He looks just as cocky as ever.
“It`s pink.” He says keeping his cool.
“So? If it is pink, what?”
I try to get my hand away but he catches my hand so that he`ll have a good look at my ring.
“It`s kind of ugly too. I mean, it`s a pink heart made of some cheap stone set in a cheap ring. It doesn`t suit you.” He affirms giving my hand back after placing a small kiss on the back of it that gives me shivers down my spine.

“You know nothing about me or my fiancée so bug off you jerk!” I say storming out of the studio.
Who the hell he think he is? Saying those kind of things about my beautiful engagement ring and implying that my only true love isn`t my true love because of a stupid ring. Money doesn`t matter, nothing but love matters. I get into my car and drive around the city until I calm down.