Am I not good enough?

[BloodyInnocence]

But I stop myself going on that road before my memories of my childhood will surfaces. Don`t want to remember them, feel like I can`t handle those right now.
Getting up from bed, I`m going in the bathroom to take a long, warm bath. I just love taking a bath because the warm water always soothes my aching muscles and also banishes my thoughts.
I get in my white, big, corner bathtub and let the water engulf my body, cleansing me from all my troubles. Closing my eyes, I let myself float on the clouds.

After an hour I get out of the bath and go to the sink to brush my teeth and shave. After another a half an hour, I finally get out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel around my lower waist, on my tights and another one drying my long, silky, pitch black hair.
May sound a bit vain, but I just love my hair. Don`t really know why, but just do.
I plopped on the couch in my living room, turning on the television to pass the time. It is only nine o`clock and I have nothing to do until twelve. Nothing on television either.

“What am I going to do?” I ask myself trying to figure out a way to pass the time.
My living room is like any other living room. A black, leather couch in the middle, a twenty one inch lcd Samsung right in front of the glass coffee table. A bar from pin wood is sitting in the right corner of the room, a couple of feet from the television. Three shelves with books are hanging on the wall that had the door which lead to the hall that lead outside.

Two walls are black and two are a deep red, the ceiling is in a dark red and the floors are from dark lacquered oak. A typical bachelor flat.
At ten past ten o`clock someone is knocking on my door, I know the time because just when I hear de knock I was looking at my clock.

“On moment, please!” I scream so that whomever it is doesn`t leave.
I still have only that towel on me but when I`m about to go put something on me, I hear a second knock on the wooden frame, this time much more louder than the first. So I sprint to the door. Don`t want that person leaving. Don`t know why I don`t. it is something weird that is telling me not to let him or her leave.

“Yes?” ask while my eyebrows rise betraying my curiosity.
It is a girl. A cute, unknown, young girl with long brown hair that is tied in a high ponytail. She is quite beautiful or at least her body is: big breasts, cute butt, long legs. Just my type.
“I… I… I…” she begins to speak but her cheeks are becoming redder by the seconds that pass and just can`t seem to find the words she looks for.
Innocent comes to mind. Not fun. But maybe I`ll just play with her like this for just a little while, until she says what is it that she wants.

“So with what can I help you, beautiful maiden?” I ask bashing my long black eyelashes at the girl.
And just like that I simply lose her. She looks into my midnight blue eyes and forgets all the words if I look closer I think that she also forgets to breath. Just like that. I so love my beautiful, innocent fans.
“Hey! Stop staring. Talk!” I say after a couple of minutes of mindless staring at each other.
The girl seems to come back to reality.

“Oh… sorry, sorry. I just wanted you to give me your autograph on this picture. But after seeing you… like this…” she says trying to swallow.
I look down at myself to see what the girl is seeing and realize that I have only a towel wrapt on my lower half. This is a little embarrassing. I forgot to put on pants, I was in front of my closet and forgot to put on pants! Where was my mind when I was dashing to the door? Behind me… surely.
“Well I don`t take pictures right now. But I`ll sign your photograph if you still want…”

“Of course!” says enthusiastically giving me the pen and the photo which I sign as fast as I can and then shut the door in her nose.
Not really the polite thing to do, but don`t care.
How did my fans found me? And most important how did she get in here? Shouldn`t this be a very well supervised building? Oh, well… shit happens.
Don`t get me wrong. I simply love the attention and all but sometimes it get really old and annoying. Don`t know who I taught it was at the door that I needed to dash like that, forgetting about my almost naked state.

Anyway, I still have three hours until I need to go so I sit on the couch trying to watch what was on. But then a melody appears in my head and along with it the lyrics for it.
“I was in a one sided love.
In a two sided bed…
This was just a game.
You played with my heart without my consent.
My heart, without consent.
I just wanted your love, your undying hope
Your smiling face to glow in the dark
Like a light of hope guiding me on the road to happiness
I wanted us to be happy in this cruel world
But I didn`t see the cruelty that was in your soul
And you played me,
You made out of me a hateful thing that I now resent.”

The melody still played in my head but the words were running away from me. I couldn`t grasp them, they were slipping through my fingers like water. So I stopped here. Maybe could finished it some other time when I`ll hear it again.
Someone knocks at the front door and wakes me from my dream like state. I go to open it with the hope that I`ll find some friend of mine not another fan struck girl.

“Hello!” I say when see that in front of me stands a very tall black guy in a black tuxedo with a white shirt.
He looks like he`s going to a wedding. I blink several times trying to remember if I met him somewhere before. But it is hopeless, can`t remember him.
“Good-day, sir.” He spoke in a very powerful voice that send chills on my spine.
“I`m here to pick you up and escort you to your photo shot. Are you ready or shall I give you a couple of minutes to get decent?” asks looking at me weird.
I look down and get the feeling of deja-vu. I`m still almost naked with only the towel on me. Lost my head, want it back.
God! How can someone forget to put on clothes? Twice in one day!

In ten minutes I get dressed. Nothing special because I know that they have there something for me to wear. I have a red T-shirt and a pair of black jeans.
“Oh, I`m Seiya Kou” I say holding my hand to shake his.
He takes mine and shake it hard.
“I`m Ted, but you may call me Big T” he says showing his white teeth.
“So, Big T you are my driver?” ask just to make small talk.
“No, Scott hired me to be your personal bodyguard.”
“Oh, so that is why you have those big bad muscles.” I say in a joking tone.
“Have a gun but don`t really like using it if I have a choice, you know?”

Didn`t actually know but nonetheless I shake my head implying that I understand.
When we got in the lobby the door man is inside trying to closing the doors so that the crazy girls wouldn`t come in.
“What is happening here?” ask nobody in particular.
“I forgot to tell you that there is a big crowd outside” tells me Big T.
“Oh, Mister Kou, sorry for this but someone saw you in the building and before I knew it this happened.” The door man says smiling with his eyes shut.
He was kind of creepy with his way of smiling. He looked like a snake and I hate those things.

“You! Open the door, we need to be somewhere. Mister Kou please stay behind me and I`ll get you past them to the limousine in one piece.” Big T told me.
I do as he said and hope for the best. The last time I was in a crowd like this, they almost ripped me apart. I was in such a mess when I got to the car that I needed to go home to change before going to the after party.
When the doors opened the screaming filled the lobby. They were crazy, screaming my name, asking me to marry them, to make them my lover.
I didn`t know how I got in the limousine but there I was safe from the fans while Big T was in the passenger seat in front. He opened the window that separated the back from the front to say something.
“You`re ok?”
“Yeah, feeling a like out of breath but fain.”

After I answered him, he closed the window and the limousine begun to move.
How could I tell him that I almost lost it when I was in that sea of people? It was like the world was collapsing all around me and all I could do was stand there and let it come down on me.
All those girls yelling that they love me. How can they say that? They don`t even know me. But how can I judge them when I`m doing the same thing? I`m obsessing like them about someone I know nothing about. The difference between me and that crazy bunch is that they know some details about my life, about me. I`m all over the news these days so it is impossible for someone who is my fan to not know anything about me, even though what they say on television is a lie.

Why am I thinking about this now? I have a photo shot to do and am thinking about her again…
How can her simple image bring in me feelings that I have forsaken so long ago? How can those damn feelings surface so fast? I thought I buried them so deep inside that I won`t reach them ever again… but I was so wrong, so, so wrong.
I rest my forehead against the cold black window of the car door. It feels so good, so cold against the boiling feeling that is tormenting me.
The rest of the drive I slept.