Am I not good enough?

[BloodyInnocence]

ok, deci o sa fie prima si ultima oara cand rescriu un capitol si sa il postez. o sa incerc sa nu pun capitolele decat dupa ce sunt ultra-mega multumita cu ele;)) mai ales astea in engleza.
Multumesc celor care au comentat, scuze pentru repetitie.:o3
Din nou, primul capitol al povestii.


Am I not good enough?


`Am I not good enough for you? Aren`t my tears that are coming from deep within my heart enough for you to believe me when I tell you that you are hurting me? Tell me why can`t you believe the truth, the only truth that I tell you? Why can`t you love me?`

I write these words and then erase them every night since that fateful day, when for a split second our eyes met, loved her from that first moment. She was at the airport, saying good-bye to her boyfriend. She doesn`t remember, because her eyes hadn`t left a second his face. But I do, even though a bunch of girls were screaming all around me.

Until that day, didn`t believe in love at first sight. It seemed so impossible, that something like that to exist, especially for someone like me. Actually, I didn`t believe in love and point, this is where it should end for me. Because a superstar like me can`t have true love in their life and so I gave it up for my career. That is my fate: to have around me people who want every time something, not caring about feelings. So I thought that I reach a point where I can`t feel anymore, but she proved me wrong just by existing.

“Love” this word pops in my mind every second, tormenting me.
What else can I call these sleepless nights in which I try to sleep, but can`t, in which find myself typing those damn words again and again without having the intention of sending them to their rightful owner.

Yes, “damn words” because they became my curse. They don`t let me sleep, always appearing in front of my closed lids written with fire. They are tormenting me worse than her picture, if that is even possible.

“Rightful owner” these bring images of that person in front of my eyes. I see her sky blue eyes looking with such innocence that makes me wonder if she is really real.
“To good to be true” someone whispers into my ear.
“Maybe… or maybe not” I whisper back.
She is like a character from a story I read, long ago. What was her name? The Maiden of Light. Yes, so beautiful, so perfect that in my mind she can`t be real. But is and not mine to have.

The truth hurts so bad… my heart bleeds every time I remember that obstacle between me and her. If only she was single… if only…
“She is not yours. Never will be.” A voice in my head keeps telling me, but can`t convince my heart to let go of her voice, of her looks, her lips…
I feel asleep in my bed, while my mind kept thinking of her. An angel among mear mortals…
Usually, I don`t dream but when I do, can`t remember anything. This time, when sleep took claim of my unconscious form I had a dream. A weird one.

I see her in front of me, standing on her knees in the mud that defiles the crinoline.
In my mind there is no doubt that the girl standing there is the same as the one I love, even though the scenery is so different, like from another time.
She is wearing a red corset that is making her waist thin and emphasized her breasts. The crimson dress has long splay sleeves and is made from silk.
Bet she looked beautiful, even though red didn`t suit her, when she left the house this morning. But that doesn`t matter anymore, because her eyes were red due to crying for hours.
“That no good fiancé did this!” I thought.
It makes me angry. Angry enough that I will go and challenge him to a duel.
If only I had met her first, if only she hadn`t been engaged to that piece of dirt when I met her. But the past is the past. Can`t change it, no matter how much I wish it. Wouldn`t had let a single drop of tear fall from her eyes, wouldn`t had had the heart to bring sadness to her features. How could I make this angel so sad?

I want to tell her all this things so I fall down in front of her putting my hands on her shoulders, waiting for her eyes to rise, to look into my midnight blue ones. While waiting for her to meet my eyes I`m thinking of all the things that I should say to her. All those thoughts that crossed my mind in those lonely nights when I stayed awake thinking of nothing but her.
Nevertheless that isn`t what escapes my mouth.
`Am I not good enough?` hear myself asking.
She only says his name hurting me even more but swear that I`ll be by her side always, no matter the pain that will cause me. I will be there wiping her tears and trying to put a smile on her face.

Beep. Beep. Beep

`Oh! Shut up already!` Yell hitting the clock that was trying to wake me.
Trying to go back to that weird dream, I turn on the other side. Want to see what happened next, what the couple did next but after a couple of minutes trying in vain to grasp that dream I get up frustrated. It is only ten pas six in the morning.
So early.

I hate this room, even though I was the one that decorated it. The walls are painted in a dark blue and the ceiling looks like the night sky. My bed is in the middle, in my right being the closet that was made from oak and has a design of roses on the doors. Next to the closet is my desk on which sits my laptop. In my left stands a big mirror, my height and next to it is the door that led to the bathroom. It is a simple arrangement that sometimes I love or hate, it really depends on my mood.
My eyes wander the bedroom, searching for something, anything. They stop on the silver laptop with a red star in the center.
“Haven`t erased those words last night?” can`t remember.
I get up and open the lid just to find those lines looking back at me. The most excruciating pain hits me.
The moonlight stop the cruel reality from hurting me, but when the sun rays appear the veil that was protecting me disappears and every little thing hurts. I don`t have enough words to describe it, don`t know if I want to.
I see only despair, my heart tears into shreds and almost lost my breath when the phone rings, saving me.