Letter to Santa Generator

[Katsu]

Dear Pagan Troll,

This year, I have been a very manipulative little TV watcher. I have not murdered, and I have never helped my brother with their homework. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of age-inappropriate pants this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring the onset of menopause. For my daddy, please bring a new money clip. For my big brother, please bring methodone. For my doggy, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my case worker, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, and front row tickets to Eminem – plus backstage passes so I can get autographs! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my pony. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.

Breathlessly,

Nykky

PS: Please say hello to Rudolph.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Smoky? He has been a really perverted dork all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put dog shit in their stocking. Thanks!