Jail is my home

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[Naruto] Jail is my home

Mina-chan Deconectat

Where is the love? :-?

Răspunsuri: 67
Subiecte: 3
Data înregistrării: Jun 2011
Reputație: 49
Zupi: 599 z

#47

01-10-2011, 10:18 PM

Hey,deci dupa cum vezi aterizez si eu pe aci'...
Capitolul acesta a fost destul de lung si din nou m-ai surpins vocabularul personajului..
Ai descris destul de bine sentimentele personajului, insa mi se pare putin derutat, nesigur intr-un anume fel, ar trebui sa fie mai stabil pe gandurile/faptele pe care le face, bine acum totul ramane la dorinta scriitoarei..
Actiunea a fost ok, a decurs bine fara sa fie fugarita, insa dialogul ar mai trebui putin retusat, unele fraze nu isi au sensul, putea usor relatate in mod indirect.
Pai cam atat am avut de zis, astept next. Bye.

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Răspunsuri în acest subiect

Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 31-07-2011, 10:15 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de hiimera - 01-08-2011, 09:06 AM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de crazy little red - 01-08-2011, 12:38 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Search - 01-08-2011, 12:43 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de hiimera - 01-08-2011, 01:06 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Miranda. - 01-08-2011, 01:51 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Twisty Emerald - 02-08-2011, 06:42 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 03-08-2011, 12:28 AM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de crazy little red - 03-08-2011, 11:07 AM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de hiimera - 03-08-2011, 11:30 AM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Mina-chan - 03-08-2011, 01:26 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 03-08-2011, 10:47 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 04-08-2011, 12:34 AM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Search - 04-08-2011, 11:46 AM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 05-08-2011, 05:10 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Search - 05-08-2011, 05:37 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 05-08-2011, 08:56 PM

RE: Jail is my ... home [+16/+18] - de Miranda. - 05-08-2011, 08:58 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 10-08-2011, 02:34 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Mina-chan - 10-08-2011, 03:49 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Miranda. - 10-08-2011, 08:14 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Yuki4ever - 10-08-2011, 10:45 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 12-08-2011, 12:27 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 12-08-2011, 05:34 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Yuki4ever - 12-08-2011, 09:39 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Mina-chan - 12-08-2011, 09:48 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 16-08-2011, 10:37 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Yuki4ever - 17-08-2011, 12:17 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Zummy - 17-08-2011, 12:28 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 18-08-2011, 10:14 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Yuki4ever - 18-08-2011, 10:39 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Zummy - 18-08-2011, 10:44 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Mina-chan - 18-08-2011, 11:02 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Miranda. - 19-08-2011, 12:28 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Twisty Emerald - 19-08-2011, 01:32 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 02-09-2011, 11:11 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Miranda. - 02-09-2011, 11:33 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Twisty Emerald - 03-09-2011, 01:12 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Yuki4ever - 04-09-2011, 01:45 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 10-09-2011, 12:12 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 10-09-2011, 12:34 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Zummy - 10-09-2011, 08:12 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Miranda. - 17-09-2011, 06:43 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Search - 29-09-2011, 06:10 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 01-10-2011, 12:24 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 01-10-2011, 02:32 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Mina-chan - 01-10-2011, 10:18 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de i Ramenn. - 02-10-2011, 03:40 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [+16/+18] - de Twisty Emerald - 03-10-2011, 05:18 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 25-10-2011, 10:50 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de i Ramenn. - 26-10-2011, 09:27 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 27-10-2011, 07:48 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de Miranda. - 09-11-2011, 12:56 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de SnowFlake. - 11-11-2011, 11:49 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de Ayumi Michaelis - 18-12-2011, 03:33 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de Miranda. - 18-12-2011, 04:02 AM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de SnowFlake. - 19-12-2011, 12:06 PM

RE: Jail is my... home [Konan X Pain+18] - de ^Ciresica^ - 19-12-2011, 03:23 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 20-02-2012, 11:43 AM

RE: Jail is my home - de Zummy - 14-03-2012, 10:44 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de DiZ - 10-05-2012, 11:15 AM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 13-05-2012, 03:36 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de ^Ciresica^ - 13-05-2012, 09:22 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 22-07-2012, 01:21 AM

RE: Jail is my home - de Erina Ozaki - 29-07-2012, 01:47 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de rovy - 12-11-2012, 06:36 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de MadalinaMada - 30-11-2012, 11:38 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 01-12-2012, 10:08 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de ^Ciresica^ - 01-12-2012, 11:46 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Erina Ozaki - 10-01-2013, 07:47 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 21-03-2013, 05:35 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 11-06-2013, 09:56 PM

RE: Jail is my home - de Ayumi Michaelis - 21-08-2013, 01:14 PM

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