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[Terminat] Totally Dominated [*YAOI*]

#30
Obsession, sa nu mi-o iei in nume de rau, dar corect este incontinuu, cu doi "u" si nu unul. But still, esti surioara mea scumpa si draga.

Asaaa... Yaoi Queen, eu am impresia ca te stiu de pe alte forumuri, dar poate e numai o impresie... In fine, aici e vorba de fic. ^_^

Ai cateva greseli de tastare. Sunt putine si sunt in genul i in loc de a si invers.
La inceput (primele trei (?) capitole) ai pus anumite ganduri a lui Yuri intre paranteze... Well, acolo puteai lejer sa le integrezi in text, fara paranteze. Mie oricum, mi se pare inutile acele paranteze si usor inestetice.

Inca o chestie, dar care pentru tine este facultativa: ai putea delimita fragmentele printr-un spatiu liber, deoarece forumul nu recunoaste alineatele si ar arata mai bine textul. Cum am zis, chestia asta este facultativa pentru tine (de obicei spun asta destul de des pentru ca unele ficuri au nevoie acuta de asa ceva, iar altele nu, depinde de modul in care este scris textul) Te-am ametit, nu? Daca ai inteles ceva e bine, daca nu... e tot bine.

Imi place descrierea... aproape. Te cam grabesti sa ajungi la scenele fierbinti, iti pui personajele sa alerge si nu ca nu as vrea ceva hot, dar si acele parti merita ceva atentie... asa, sa se uniformizeze cu restul textului.

Scenele hot... well, aici descrierea este foarte buna. Imi place foarte mult cum descrii momentele intime dintre Yuri si Dante, dar cel mai mult imi place cum descrii sentimentele lui Yuri (asta este una dintre partile mele preferate la yaoi).

S-ar putea sa imi mai fi scapat unele chestii...
Spor la scris!

P.S.: STRAIGHT? So is spaghetti... Until you heat it up! <-- chestia asta din semnatura ta e absolut geniala! I just love it!
[Imagine: LCGbvGa.png]



Răspunsuri în acest subiect
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Claribel - 27-08-2010, 02:01 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Reveuse - 27-08-2010, 04:52 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MisS.sAdiStic - 29-08-2010, 07:19 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 29-08-2010, 11:24 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaku-chin - 29-08-2010, 11:58 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Mitsukai Yoru - 30-08-2010, 02:40 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 30-08-2010, 05:05 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 01-09-2010, 01:22 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaku-chin - 02-09-2010, 10:06 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 04-09-2010, 01:37 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 04-09-2010, 02:50 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 08-09-2010, 01:26 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bloom. - 08-09-2010, 02:47 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 08-09-2010, 09:32 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Aliss_anime - 08-09-2010, 10:38 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 09-09-2010, 02:00 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Aiumy - 09-09-2010, 03:27 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 09-09-2010, 08:30 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 12-09-2010, 12:38 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 12-09-2010, 09:57 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Nywa - 14-09-2010, 08:48 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MaDeLyNe - 19-09-2010, 11:43 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 26-09-2010, 10:28 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 04-10-2010, 07:32 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 04-10-2010, 09:02 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 05-10-2010, 10:52 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 08-10-2010, 08:24 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MaDeLyNe - 08-10-2010, 09:45 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 09-10-2010, 11:25 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 13-10-2010, 10:50 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 14-10-2010, 10:29 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 14-10-2010, 01:57 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 15-10-2010, 10:48 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 31-10-2010, 03:09 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 31-10-2010, 04:33 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de tamy_2000 - 31-10-2010, 04:35 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 31-10-2010, 07:28 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 03-11-2010, 09:19 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 06-11-2010, 11:17 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 06-11-2010, 03:11 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 06-11-2010, 06:35 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 07-11-2010, 03:15 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 10-11-2010, 11:34 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 11-11-2010, 07:43 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 20-11-2010, 11:34 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Marina. - 21-11-2010, 01:14 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Kara - 21-11-2010, 09:40 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 21-11-2010, 02:48 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 23-11-2010, 12:41 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 27-11-2010, 04:33 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 28-11-2010, 12:25 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 06-12-2010, 09:09 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 06-12-2010, 10:25 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 06-12-2010, 11:18 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 07-12-2010, 10:01 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 07-12-2010, 04:52 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 08-12-2010, 09:18 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Kai - 11-12-2010, 07:32 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 17-12-2010, 04:00 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de wilma eelskin - 17-12-2010, 04:29 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 17-12-2010, 05:11 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 17-12-2010, 05:36 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 17-12-2010, 09:08 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 17-12-2010, 10:29 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Kai - 18-12-2010, 01:46 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 22-12-2010, 03:16 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de anime_addicted - 19-12-2010, 08:59 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Aiumy - 21-12-2010, 09:34 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 21-12-2010, 09:47 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MaDeLyNe - 21-12-2010, 11:11 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 22-12-2010, 01:20 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 22-12-2010, 03:21 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de wilma eelskin - 22-12-2010, 10:39 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 22-12-2010, 11:17 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Nywa - 22-12-2010, 01:29 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 22-12-2010, 02:11 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 22-12-2010, 03:18 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Marina. - 22-12-2010, 11:34 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de BlackSoul - 23-12-2010, 12:56 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de anime_addicted - 23-12-2010, 02:42 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 24-12-2010, 11:08 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 24-12-2010, 11:16 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MaDeLyNe - 24-12-2010, 04:35 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 25-12-2010, 10:07 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Me†al. - 25-12-2010, 12:51 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 25-12-2010, 06:37 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 25-12-2010, 08:03 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 25-12-2010, 08:54 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 26-12-2010, 11:36 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 26-12-2010, 05:06 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de yaoi maniac - 26-12-2010, 07:22 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 31-12-2010, 06:54 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 31-12-2010, 07:43 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 31-12-2010, 08:45 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 31-12-2010, 11:48 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 01-01-2011, 07:54 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 02-01-2011, 02:54 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de kame. - 08-01-2011, 07:38 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 09-01-2011, 03:15 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 09-01-2011, 03:31 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 09-01-2011, 12:42 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 09-01-2011, 12:55 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 09-01-2011, 01:33 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 16-01-2011, 03:21 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 16-01-2011, 08:09 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 16-01-2011, 09:10 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 16-01-2011, 09:27 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 17-01-2011, 09:31 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 17-01-2011, 05:09 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 17-01-2011, 10:29 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 25-01-2011, 06:56 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 31-01-2011, 04:44 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 31-01-2011, 10:45 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 31-01-2011, 11:01 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 31-01-2011, 11:37 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 31-01-2011, 11:48 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 01-02-2011, 12:48 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 01-02-2011, 12:24 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 02-02-2011, 07:46 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 03-02-2011, 07:24 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Stormrage - 03-02-2011, 07:39 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 03-02-2011, 08:04 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 03-02-2011, 11:20 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 04-02-2011, 12:14 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Drama Queen - 04-02-2011, 11:32 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de wilma eelskin - 04-02-2011, 11:56 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 04-02-2011, 02:16 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 09-02-2011, 11:18 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 10-02-2011, 12:40 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Nywa - 10-02-2011, 07:19 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 10-02-2011, 12:57 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 10-02-2011, 02:05 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 10-02-2011, 05:36 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 10-02-2011, 06:03 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 10-02-2011, 07:23 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 10-02-2011, 09:55 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Drama Queen - 11-02-2011, 10:49 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 12-02-2011, 03:48 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 12-02-2011, 03:58 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 12-02-2011, 04:01 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 12-02-2011, 05:25 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 12-02-2011, 11:57 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 16-02-2011, 08:16 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 17-02-2011, 10:26 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 17-02-2011, 11:02 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 17-02-2011, 11:16 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaku-chin - 17-02-2011, 11:47 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 18-02-2011, 12:05 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Assyria - 18-02-2011, 12:24 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 18-02-2011, 11:17 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 19-02-2011, 03:15 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 21-02-2011, 11:18 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de n{iK}a aMmA - 21-02-2011, 11:52 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 22-02-2011, 10:42 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 22-02-2011, 10:54 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 22-02-2011, 03:04 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de kame. - 22-02-2011, 09:19 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 22-02-2011, 11:01 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Kara - 23-02-2011, 10:47 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Bella - 26-02-2011, 11:20 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 26-02-2011, 10:17 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 27-02-2011, 10:28 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 27-02-2011, 10:52 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de hiimera - 27-02-2011, 11:00 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 27-02-2011, 11:52 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Drama Queen - 28-02-2011, 10:10 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Lyly chan - 28-02-2011, 03:32 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 28-02-2011, 05:17 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 28-02-2011, 06:54 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de wilma eelskin - 28-02-2011, 08:14 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 02-03-2011, 10:16 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 02-03-2011, 10:19 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 02-03-2011, 10:26 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 02-03-2011, 10:27 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 02-03-2011, 10:28 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Rinnie - 03-03-2011, 04:42 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Tiusca - 04-03-2011, 12:14 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 05-03-2011, 12:53 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 05-03-2011, 01:05 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de hiimera - 05-03-2011, 09:43 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Tiusca - 05-03-2011, 12:03 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 05-03-2011, 12:55 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Sol - 05-03-2011, 04:26 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Rinnie - 05-03-2011, 04:34 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 06-03-2011, 10:43 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Kara - 06-03-2011, 05:45 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 07-03-2011, 03:05 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Ea~Ea - 07-03-2011, 07:42 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 07-03-2011, 08:46 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Sol - 07-03-2011, 08:46 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 07-03-2011, 09:22 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 07-03-2011, 09:22 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de MiraA - 07-03-2011, 09:33 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 08-03-2011, 01:04 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 09-03-2011, 07:39 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Tiusca - 10-03-2011, 05:36 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 13-03-2011, 02:14 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 13-03-2011, 02:36 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de hiimera - 13-03-2011, 08:29 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 13-03-2011, 12:10 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Sasha. - 13-03-2011, 12:34 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Tiusca - 13-03-2011, 01:27 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de angel cat - 13-03-2011, 05:13 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Drama Queen - 14-03-2011, 01:20 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Rain - 17-03-2011, 07:26 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaoi Queen - 18-03-2011, 11:24 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Yaku-chin - 18-03-2011, 11:27 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Beatrix LaVey - 18-03-2011, 11:58 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de nemo-chii - 19-03-2011, 09:03 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Addeh - 19-03-2011, 10:56 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Tiusca - 19-03-2011, 12:22 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Kai - 19-03-2011, 01:35 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Rain - 19-03-2011, 01:46 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de hiimera - 19-03-2011, 04:33 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Noesis - 19-03-2011, 05:32 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de angel cat - 19-03-2011, 09:19 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Aiumy - 20-03-2011, 12:16 AM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de Monica Wksv - 31-03-2011, 06:05 PM
RE: Totally Dominated [*YAOI*] - de βεκi - 08-04-2011, 11:18 PM

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