Xibalba

[Lia]

Just rolling along with the new rules and such, but with a comeback that would make Solomon blush. Warning: explicit content and use of language. Not suitable for minors.

Minimum age: 18
Genre: Mature/ Romance
Language: English
Observatii cu privire la continut: The content might not be suitable for all readers. It might not be suited to your tastes. If it offended you, stop reading.
Type of comments solicitated: Any

First snow

Moving calmly as still water through the trees, I listened for the shuffling of your footsteps in the grass that entangled the forest like a bed of green silk. I giggled, hiding behind a tree trunk so that I could get a glimpse of you, if you happened to walk past without noticing me. Quiet as a shadow, my body stood still, waiting, fully emerged in the game we were playing. The sun was setting like a comet over an icy blue sky, creating flames of red and orange light, resembling the fiery breath of a dragon trying to melt away the night, yet little by little it seemed to die out, engulfed by the darkness. I shifted my position, moving swiftly towards a clearance so I could take a better look at the endless, sapphire dome that was rising above with its white marbles of light cutting through the fabric of the universe. Fascinated, I’ve thought of Orion and its belt of stars that I’ve looked at every time I’ve missed you through the cold nights, thinking of the moment when I would see you again, taking comfort in their brightness. And now that I was so close, I took a deep breath of the thick midsummer air, full of anticipation, humid in my lungs and restless in my stomach. It had been nearly a year since I have met you, by chance, and full surprise as you made your guitar strings sing in an empty room, your smile remaining etched in my mind, that memory never leaving my side ever since. I had walked this in my mind at least a thousand of times and yet my heart was pounding, my body shivering as the thought of your warm touch passed it.

The forest was decorated according to the theme chosen for the occasion, tree stumps filled with lit candles that were melting away in the now much cooler air, others full with ice, candelabras hung from sturdy branches swayed away in the evening breeze, their crystals creating a thrilling chime. I walked over to the large oak tree that rose in front of me, my heels digging into the soft ground as I made my way to its rough and ancient bark, a fine layer of cold perspiration covering me. My long ashen blonde hair fell bellow my shoulders, tendrils draped across my breasts. I longed for your fingers through it, and just imagining the feel made me hot and wet. I lowered my cat masquerade mask over my face, partly covering it, except for my blue eyes and my blood red lips. My breathing got heavier, not helped by the fact that I wore a burgundy corset that pushed my breasts high up, embracing my waist tightly.
I became aware of a twig snapping nearby, followed by another, and I sprinted away laughing, looking back to see whether you were close behind. My skirts kept me from running too fast, as I darted through the trees like a feline, stopping behind a trunk to catch my breath. And then suddenly I felt your presence behind it, as you tried to sneak up on me; I moved around it so that our game of hide and seek wouldn’t be over. I knew it couldn’t last forever, I yearned for you more than anything else but the tension was building up, making my body swirl with energy. I turned my head to check whether you had left, and in return I ended up looking straight at your face and grinning naughtily as I tried to escape.

You caught my arm and pulled me close to your chest, then kissed me, hard and long, making me succumb to your desire, equal in strength to mine, my tongue licking your lips as you let go of them. I brushed your cheek with my hand, smiling as I touched your tiger mask, my fingers going down your neck, stopping at the collar of your tuxedo, then lightly stroking your short hair. I was getting more and more aroused but I took things slowly, getting accustomed to your firm body once more, touching your strong arms, tasting your lips like a summer wine. Your hands ran down my back, caressing my shoulders and my arms with your slightly calloused fingertips as you held me tight, my breasts against your chest, the bulge in your riding breeches pulsating against my pelvic zone, the excitement making my nipples hard. It felt so good to have you touch me again after so long. Your fingers were undoing the silk laces of my corset, releasing me from its restraint as it fell to the ground; you gently pushed me down on the bed of grass beneath our feet, your mouth on my neck, nibbling on it one of your palms cupping my bare tits. I lay there with you on top of me, my hands trying to remove your tuxedo, and reveal your skin, my nails scratching it lightly in the process. Half naked you rubbed your body against mine, pulling down my skirts and tossing them away, so that you could lick the inside of my thighs until you reached my now hard and throbbing clit, stopping to tease me with your right thumb and middle finger until my pussy was soaking wet with arousal, my back arching from the pleasure, my moans confirming it. I could see your erect cock straining in your breeches so I lured you up to kiss me in order to feel your hard member and rub it through the material, twitching as I stroked it, eager to meet my moist inside. I unfastened your belt with one hand continuing with my little game, my legs moving to remove your trousers and leave you in your full glory, completely naked like I was. I used the little force that I had and pushed you on your back, rolling on top and going down like a snake so I could taste you. I grabbed an ice cube from a near stump and with it in my mouth I licked the tip and the undershaft of your errection, my tongue moving in circles as I started to suck it shallowly, my icy saliva running down all its length, acting as a lube for what I was planning. Yet my mouth enjoyed the pleasure too much to let go, so I swallowed deeper yet it was too much of it to take. I moved faster and faster focusing on the tip of your penis until I tasted the salty pre-cum, then I licked the sides of the shaft up and down slowly moving away from your throbbing member.
No matter what I did though, you controlled the show, and your lovemaking was dirty and sweet, rough and tender, just like I liked it. You laid me on my back again and parted my legs, then went down on me, sucking hard on my clit, touching the spot, that would make me orgasm, over and over again, your fingers working masterfully until waves of heat penetrated my body like a hot flush and I came.

You pushed your whole length into me and I let out a high moan, my pussy tightening around your cock as you slid in and out, while you held my legs up so you could trust into me harder and deeper. I bit my lips, while looking straight at your face trying not to scream because of the wild pleasure that you were giving me. You leaned forward without changing your rhythm, took my nipples in your mouth and sucked them alternating with biting, as my nails dug in your back, not wanting to let go. You kissed me again, and I felt a hunger for you that I never before had, to have you all and to let you have me either way you wished; I felt on fire. As you built up speed, my body was shaking as I kept cuming and cuming uncontrollably, your breathing was fast and you were covered in sweat, only moments until I heard you let out a deep moan, felt you pull out of me, hot cum spraying on my abdomen in a great jet, making me a sticky mess. Both of us were collapsed on the forest floor, exhausted, but exhilarated, one hand around my shoulders as my head rested on your chest.

It felt so hot that I was barely aware of the chilly morning that was covering ground quite fast. I just wanted to fall asleep with you right there, with your body close and warm. Birds were starting to sing, and rays of sun peered through the thickness of the forest.
“We should be heading back to the castle, we can snuggle there as much as we want, nobody or nothing will disturb us there”. I kissed you again, tenderly this time and you smiled back at me without saying a word.
That’s when I knew.

[Schimodie]

Oarecum drăguț, deși lectura a fost, puțin, în afara ariei mele de preferințe, un bun motiv pentru care să încerc să văd cum vei continua; faptul că o despărțire va urma pare... destul de probabil, întrebarea e: cum vor evolua personajele din acel moment și înspre ce - sunt ahtiat după orice are urme de presiuni psihologice, conflicte interioare ce duc spre diverse decizii care mai de care mai, să sperăm, neortodxe... dar mă întind.

Partea de ai prezentat-o acum, cum se poate vedea și din primele vorbe, nu ma încântă în mod deosebit, cum vorbim despre o yauss (yet another utopic sex scene); acum nu știu câte astfel de scene au fost scrise de toți acești oameni de au pus mâna pe penel (de orice fel ar fi acela) măcar o dată-n viața lor, însă țin minte încă vreo 3 ori 4 scene similare, deși nu prea am dorit (a se citi: chiar deloc) a pune mâna pe cărți ce tratează doar astfel de subiecte... În fine, iar o iau pe arătură și nu zic/scriu nimic despre lectură-n sine. Ce mi-a plăcut e modul, foarte plastic, în care ai descris acțiunea, astfel am putut (cu a mea infimă putere de concentrare) să văd foarte clar felul în care s-au desfășurat faptele, precum și locul unde acestea au avut loc, foarte bine reliefat (după mine).

Acum, sper ca utopia să nu țină (dupa cum se-anunță aș putea avea dreptate) și să am parte de ceea ce-mi doresc, dar, desigur, asta nu ține de mine, heh. No, astfel când vei pune următorul fragment, de n-oi uita, oi citi să vedem înspre ce vor evolua lucrurile și cum vei completa această ușurința de a reda în clar cu o poveste ce să merite, deocamdată e prea devreme pentru a spune de-i pe placul meu ori nu.

[CyBeR]

Comentariu cu Bold, intre paranteze, sunt observatiile mele.
Esti libera sa iei in seama comentariul, esti libera sa-l ignori.

First snow

Moving calmly as still water (Se misca transformat in "still water"? O virgula acolo ar ajuta mult treaba) through the trees, I listened for the shuffling of your footsteps in the grass that entangled the forest like a bed of green silk (In general nu prea ai iarba inalta in padure. It's because of the trees you see, not much sunlight. Chiar si-n padurile mai putin dese unde se poate sa creasca iarba in general e mai greu sa auzi fosnet, vand in vedere ca asa-i natura ierbii verz. Plus, constructia frazei respective e un pic greoaie. Ai putea s-o separi in doua bucati si s-o mai prelucrezi). I giggled, hiding behind a tree trunk so that I could get a glimpse of you, if you happened to walk past without noticing me. Quiet as a shadow, my body stood still, waiting, fully emerged in the game we were playing (As separa fraza in doua, prima parte despre corp si bla bla, partea a doua despre cum personajul, nu corpul sau, era bagat in jocul respectiv). The sun was setting like a comet (That would generally mean it had a tail. The sun doesn't really have a tail. Cute construction, not that great of an analogy, consider an alternative) over an icy blue sky, creating flames of red and orange light, resembling the fiery breath of a dragon trying to melt away the night, yet little by little it seemed to die out, engulfed by the darkness (Aglomerat, foarte aglomerat si aici. Incearca sa fii un pic mai concisa in locul unor fraze foarte lungi. Sunt obositoare, nu de alta). I shifted my position, moving swiftly towards a clearance so I could take a better look at the endless, sapphire dome that was rising above with its white marbles of light cutting through the fabric of the universe (Oh gods. Serios, taie din descrierea exagerata. "fabric of the universe"... really? Simpatica imaginea, dar e prea intortocheata fraza.). Fascinated, I’ve thought of Orion and its belt of stars that ("upon which" suna mult mai potrivit aici) I’ve looked ("gazed"...daca tot vrei sa pastrezi genul asta de tonalitate pentru descrierea ta) at every time I’ve missed you through the cold nights, thinking of the moment when I would see you again, taking comfort in their brightness (The Moments? The light? The stars?) . And now that I was so close, I took a deep breath of the thick midsummer air, full of anticipation, humid in my lungs and restless in my stomach (Air doesn't really reach down there. Ultima parte poti s-o inlocuiesti cu o propozitie simpla, scurta "I've felt the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach" or something). It had been nearly a year since I have met you, by chance (Punct aici. Sa incepem sa formam obiceiuri bune. Plus, toata bucata asta ar trebui sa fie un paragraf nou), and full surprise as you made your guitar strings sing in an empty room, your smile remaining etched in my mind, that memory never leaving my side ever since ("Never leaving" si "Ever since"...renunta la una). I had walked this (This what?) in my mind at least a thousand of times and yet my heart was pounding, my body shivering as the thought of your warm touch passed it (Gandurile nu trec prin corp. Te refereai la minte presupun, dar constructia frazei zice la final ca gandul a trecut prin corp. Un pic de atentie cu virgulele sau o separare a frazelor ar merge ok aici).

The forest was decorated according to the theme chosen for the occasion, tree stumps filled with lit candles that were melting away in the now much cooler air, others full with ice, candelabras hung from sturdy branches swayed away in the evening breeze, their crystals creating a thrilling chime (Everything but the kitchen sink, ei? Mai separa-le, da-le un pic de spatiu sa respire. Si mintii cititorului tau un pic de spatiu de respiro). I walked over to the large oak tree that rose in front of me, my heels digging into the soft ground as I made my way to its rough and ancient bark, a fine layer of cold perspiration covering me. My long ashen blonde hair fell bellow my shoulders, tendrils draped across my breasts. I longed for your fingers through it, and just imagining the feel made me hot and wet. I lowered my cat masquerade mask over my face, partly covering it, except for my blue eyes and my blood red lips (Say what? Pana acum padurea era...stii...padure. Acum suna ca o sala de bal. Tranzitia asta e un pic din senin si daca un cititor nu proceseaza pe loc ca s-ar putea sa fie cine stie ce soi de petrecere ci ramane la partea precedenta, a unui joc de-a v-ati ascunselea dupa cum era paragraful precedent. O constructie de genul asta, cum ai facut, e un pic din senin. Iar excitarea personajului tau...pe moment...not really warranted). My breathing got heavier, not helped by the fact that I wore a burgundy corset that pushed my breasts high up (She sounded naked a bit earlier), embracing my waist tightly.
I became aware of a twig snapping nearby, followed by another, and I sprinted away laughing, looking back to see whether you were close behind. My skirts kept me from running too fast, as I darted through the trees like a feline (Nu alergi prin padure. Trust me. Asta invita in general pierderea catorva dinti sau a unui ochi. Radacini, liane, crengi, insecte...toata gama aia vesela), stopping behind a trunk (Enough with the trunks already) to catch my breath. And then suddenly I felt your presence behind it, as you tried to sneak up on me; I moved around it so that our game of hide and seek wouldn’t be over (As I was saying. Tot ceva nu se potriveste pana aici). I knew it couldn’t last forever, I yearned for you more than anything else but the tension was building up, making my body swirl with energy. I turned my head to check whether you had left, and in return I ended up looking straight at your face and grinning naughtily as I tried to escape. (Problema cu paragrafele de mai sus e cat ai lungit treaba. Prea mult. Mult prea mult sincer. Ai pierdut prea mult timp descriind padurea iar si iar, nu era neaparat necesar sa descrii verdele de mai multe ori, cum e undeva mai sus. E o padure, e verde, oricat vrei s-o romantezi tot verde e si am putea sa trecem mai repede peste asta. In doua paragrafe nu s-a petrecut aproape nimic, nu ai zis decat foarte putin backstory pana aici si ar fi trebuit un pic mai multa actiune care sa insemne ca se INTAMPLA ceva. Descrierea e frumoasa, bine, merge, isi face treaba...dar e un pic cam multa si eu personal pana aici deja incepeam, mintal, sa ma uit la ceas)

You caught my arm and pulled me close to your chest, then kissed me, hard and long, making me succumb to your desire, equal in strength to mine, my tongue licking your lips as you let go of them (Doua fraze in una, iar. Mai separa-le). I brushed your cheek with my hand, smiling as I touched your tiger mask, my fingers going down your neck, stopping at the collar of your tuxedo, then lightly stroking your short hair. I was getting more and more aroused but I took things slowly, getting accustomed to your firm body once more, touching your strong arms, tasting your lips like a summer wine (Sooo...risking a forest fire for two people to screw? Ok...I doubt the morality, but hey). Your hands ran down my back, caressing my shoulders and my arms with your slightly calloused fingertips as you held me tight, my breasts against your chest (Purta corset. Imaginea nu se prea potriveste), the bulge in your riding breeches pulsating against my pelvic zone (Pelvic zone, really? Mai mentioneaza si un STD si s-a dus distractia. Considera o alternativa aici, ar putea ajuta imaginea sa continue), the excitement making my nipples hard (Not fun through a corset I imagine). It felt so good to have you touch me again after so long. Your fingers were undoing the silk laces of my corset, releasing me from its restraint as it fell to the ground (So fat load of good it did to actually have it on in the first place); you gently pushed me down on the bed of grass beneath our feet, your mouth on my neck, nibbling on it (Punct aici, se continua cu litera mare, ca asa n-are nici un sens) one of your palms cupping my bare tits (Corset...tuxedo...tits...not really working. "Breasts" daca vrei sa pastrezi tonul). I lay there with you on top of me (On the grass? Not fun, but...fine...I guess), my hands trying to remove your tuxedo, and reveal your skin, my nails scratching it lightly in the process. Half naked you rubbed your body against mine, pulling down my skirts and tossing them away, so that you could lick the inside of my thighs until you reached my now hard and throbbing clit (Boy does this one sound so very wrong), stopping to tease me with your right thumb and middle finger until my pussy was soaking wet with arousal (She was already wet), my back arching from the pleasure, my moans confirming it. I could see your erect cock straining in your breeches(See? Ai breeches. Deci deja cand depasesti bariera unui limbaj mai...nush...victorian aproape, avand in vedere si descrierea de mai sus, si ce purtau personajele...din sexy devine obscen si deja se pierde atractia) so I lured you up to kiss me in order to feel your hard member and rub it through the material, twitching as I stroked it, eager to meet my moist inside. (Mai taie tanti paragrafele astea) I unfastened your belt with one hand continuing with my little game, my legs moving to remove your trousers and leave you in your full glory, completely naked like I was (Timpurile aici...undeva se pierde ceva in traducere. Mai reciteste si vezi si tu). I used the little force that I had and pushed you on your back, rolling on top and going down like a snake so I could taste you. (Stii ca personajul tau masculin momentan nu suna a nimic altceva decat un robotel cu organ genital, nu? Nu zice nimic, nu face nimic prea impresionant...so far he's not a character as far as I care) I grabbed an ice cube from a near stump (Of course she did) and with it in my mouth I licked the tip and the undershaft of your errection, my tongue moving in circles as I started to suck it shallowly, my icy saliva running down all its length, acting as a lube for what I was planning (Si o reactie a respectivului? Stii...ceva care sa dea de inteles ca-i viu?). Yet my mouth enjoyed the pleasure too much to let go, so I swallowed deeper yet it was too much of it to take. I moved faster and faster focusing on the tip of your penis until I tasted the salty pre-cum (There we go, a rip in the style again), then I licked the sides of the shaft up and down slowly moving away from your throbbing member.
No matter what I did though, you controlled the show, and your lovemaking was dirty and sweet, rough and tender, just like I liked it (How exactly did he do that? Ca pana acum a stat ca o momaie). You laid me on my back again and parted my legs, then went down on me, sucking hard on my clit, touching the spot, that would make me orgasm, over and over again, your fingers working masterfully until waves of heat penetrated my body like a hot flush and I came (Mai sectioneaza astea, dupa cum am mentionat. Apoi "waves of heat penetrated my body"...just sounds silly).

You pushed your whole length into me and I let out a high moan (This, again, sounds very funny), my pussy tightening around your cock as you slid in and out, while you held my legs up so you could trust into me harder and deeper (Hurried little stallion, wasn't he?). I bit my lips (Lower lip or upper lit...ambele deodata...mai greu), while looking straight ("into your face" suna mult mai bine)at your face trying not to scream because of the wild pleasure that you were giving me (Why? She's in the fucking forest). You leaned forward without changing your rhythm, took my nipples in your mouth and sucked them (While still holding the legs up? Something really doesn't add up here)alternating with biting, as my nails dug in your back, not wanting to let go (Taie iarasi, prea mult intr-o singura fraza). You kissed me again, (fara virgula asta e mai bine, ca si cum sarutul ar fi fost declansatorul) and I felt a hunger for you that I never before had, to have you all and to let you have me either way you wished; I felt on fire. As you built up speed, my body was shaking as I kept cuming and cuming uncontrollably (Taie de aici incolo), your breathing was fast and you were covered in sweat, only moments until I heard you let out a deep moan, felt you pull out of me, hot cum spraying on my abdomen in a great jet, making me a sticky mess (Prea mult si-n fraza asta). Both of us were collapsed on the forest floor (Aka dirty as sin, mai ales cu transpiratia an all that. Hope they brought a bucket), exhausted, but exhilarated, one hand around my shoulders as my head rested on your chest.

It felt so hot that I was barely aware of the chilly morning that was covering ground quite fast (Uhhh...era deja lumina...undeva mai sus. Acum cum vine? Ceva iarasi se pierde in traducere). I just wanted to fall asleep with you right there, with your body close and warm. Birds were starting to sing, and rays of sun peered through the thickness of the forest (...and bugs were crawling over them).
“We should be heading back to the castle, we can snuggle there as much as we want, nobody or nothing will disturb us there" (And this was said by who exactly?). I kissed you again, tenderly this time and you smiled back at me without saying a word.
That’s when I knew. (Dum dum duuuuum)

Bun, sa zicem de tehnicalitati.
Umpli frazele pana la refuz si te pierzi mult prea mult in descrieri fara rost (ar trebui sa stiu, faceam si eu candva asa, m-am temperat). Cateodata trebuie sa alegi ce vrei sa arati si sa te concentrezi pe a livra respectiva chestie fara a ingreuna naratiunea prea mult. Tolkien o fi el un scriitor genial, dar proza sa e lenta si greoaie tocmai din cauza descrierilor sale interminabile, lucru care-n general nu se incurajeaza pentru scriitori decat daca chiar ai ceva important de descris. Iar o padure...oricat de frumoasa e ea, nu e atat de interesanta.

Acum, cand incepe partea de iubire maxima acolo, sunt destul de multe detalii care ar fi ajutat MULT toata treaba.
Prima la mana ar fi fost atentia la detalii. Personajul tau masculin ar putea sa nici nu existe si sa fie inlocuit cu un cal de lemn cu un dildo montant si ar fi fix aceasi chestie, pentru cat de multa personalitate ai bagat in el. Da, da, mister si tot asa...dar asta nu ajuta cand scrii o asa scena. Trebuie un pic de implicare si daca descrii doar o parte a interactiunii...nu faci mare chestie.

Ai pierdut mult timp vorbind despre nimic si apoi povestea spre final e despre sex si ATAT. Ceea ce nu e tocmai dezirabil. Acum...de ce ar reveni cititorul pentru al doilea capitol?
E vreun hint ca exista un plot? Nu prea.
More sex? Sa zicem...dar nu poti cara o poveste doar pe asta.
Singura chestie interesanta e partea cu castelul...ca cica se mai intampla ceva in afara de asta. Dar nu e suficient ca sa fie carlig.
Da, sexul e detaliat, minorele si-ar musca buzele si tot asa, dar tu n-ai fost atenta la cateva detalii care strica apoi daca oricine aplica un pic de "fridge logic" aici.
De exemplu: sex in iarba? Da, foarte sexy, romantic bla bla bla. Pana incepi sa te gandesti ca iarba gadila si misuna de insecte. Da, nu mai suna la fel de amuzant acum. Si iarba e si plina de praf si alte mizerii...acum deja romanta se duce.
Arunca o patura acolo si descrie mirosul ierbii verzi de dimineata (sau cat era ceasul acolo)...si altfel vezi scena, altfel ramane cititorul cu imagini.

Oricum...bun uz al limbii engleze si descrieri bunicele spre bune. Dar e de lucru, pare rau s-o zic.

[Lia]

Yup, you're as right as you can be for the most part of your critique, especially for the fact that I haven't blended the whole description, as to make use of it further on when things started to get hot. I've explained the reason behind all this, and it was never meant to be a serious creation. Sorry, Rhan and DiZ, but the story served its purpose and future creations won't contain such language or explicit actions. If you want more, contact me for the rest of mature writings that I have.

It doesn't have any continuation, unless I start ad-libbing, which I won't.

Thanks again, Cy for taking the time to do this, it has helped me realise a few things about where I go wrong when writing.