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[Terminat] I just wanna love you!

#5
Well....
Totusi si in zi de azi -> huh? ziua de azi
la o mic magazin -> la un mic...
ganditi -> gândit
picad -> picând
i-a -> i-au
Şi...atât.
- îmi place că ai început să laşi spatiu după semnele de punctuatie, arată mult mai bine
- ai un stil de a descrie destul de interesant şi având în vedere că ăsta e al doilea fic al tau e chiar foarte bine. Se vede că ai ceva experienţă dinainte
- dialogul e bun. Nici prea mult, nici prea putin ca în multe fic-uri şi nu e plictisitor.
- actiunea e draguţă, ideea nu e rea şi ştii când să sari de la o actiune la alta(am mai spus asta)
Deobicei îmi place să critic mult dar la fic-ul tau nu prea am de ce să mă iau deci se subîntelege că îmi place, totuşi aştept şi nişte scene mai "intense, romantice".
Mă rog, per total ce să zic, mult succes la scris şi aştept urmatorul.



Răspunsuri în acest subiect
[Terminat] I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 03-11-2010, 05:23 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de yaoi maniac - 03-11-2010, 06:04 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de NecroToXyK - 03-11-2010, 06:10 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 04-11-2010, 12:17 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de NecroToXyK - 04-11-2010, 12:38 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 12-11-2010, 11:40 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 23-11-2010, 10:56 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 08-12-2010, 10:32 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 16-12-2010, 06:10 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 28-12-2010, 01:07 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 31-12-2010, 04:23 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 03-01-2011, 10:51 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 04-01-2011, 11:07 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 10-01-2011, 12:18 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 10-01-2011, 07:20 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 19-01-2011, 10:23 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 21-01-2011, 11:20 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 21-01-2011, 11:32 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 28-01-2011, 08:36 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 28-01-2011, 09:03 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 02-02-2011, 04:05 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 06-02-2011, 02:36 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 06-02-2011, 10:45 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 10-02-2011, 11:18 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 19-02-2011, 12:09 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 19-02-2011, 12:30 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 24-02-2011, 11:17 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 24-02-2011, 11:23 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 01-03-2011, 10:40 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 06-03-2011, 11:29 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 07-03-2011, 12:08 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 09-03-2011, 10:46 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 09-03-2011, 11:42 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Sasha. - 14-03-2011, 05:53 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 14-03-2011, 09:25 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Sasha. - 14-03-2011, 09:37 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 15-03-2011, 10:08 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 17-03-2011, 09:52 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Kai - 17-03-2011, 10:27 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 20-03-2011, 11:56 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 22-03-2011, 03:36 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Kai - 22-03-2011, 05:27 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 23-03-2011, 11:07 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 27-03-2011, 03:08 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 27-03-2011, 07:08 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 29-03-2011, 08:58 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 29-03-2011, 10:16 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 03-04-2011, 12:04 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 03-04-2011, 10:08 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 10-04-2011, 09:47 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 11-04-2011, 10:08 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Sasha. - 11-04-2011, 08:16 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 17-04-2011, 10:01 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 17-04-2011, 10:13 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 20-04-2011, 10:02 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 20-04-2011, 10:24 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 01-05-2011, 01:45 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 01-05-2011, 12:13 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 07-05-2011, 11:38 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 08-05-2011, 12:02 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 08-05-2011, 09:32 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 14-05-2011, 05:08 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 14-05-2011, 05:38 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 15-05-2011, 10:29 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 18-05-2011, 02:49 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 18-05-2011, 03:07 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 22-05-2011, 09:42 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 23-05-2011, 02:57 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 25-05-2011, 07:15 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 28-05-2011, 10:32 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 28-05-2011, 12:57 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 28-05-2011, 10:48 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 30-05-2011, 02:41 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 30-05-2011, 04:44 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 30-05-2011, 05:10 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de MiraA - 02-06-2011, 03:23 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Rain - 02-06-2011, 06:27 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! [yaoi +18] - de Addeh - 06-06-2011, 10:12 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 14-01-2012, 03:25 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 14-01-2012, 03:28 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 22-01-2012, 10:08 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Beatrix LaVey - 30-01-2012, 10:34 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 31-01-2012, 11:40 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 01-02-2012, 10:13 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 04-02-2012, 01:27 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 07-02-2012, 01:11 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 10-02-2012, 11:05 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 11-02-2012, 12:50 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 13-02-2012, 02:18 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 14-02-2012, 03:01 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 15-02-2012, 01:32 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 15-02-2012, 08:44 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Flash - 17-02-2012, 10:24 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Beatrix LaVey - 19-02-2012, 12:01 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 19-02-2012, 04:38 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 19-02-2012, 06:42 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 19-02-2012, 07:28 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 24-02-2012, 09:36 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 24-02-2012, 10:09 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 25-02-2012, 12:24 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Flash - 25-02-2012, 02:50 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 25-02-2012, 09:17 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 25-02-2012, 09:35 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 03-03-2012, 07:26 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 03-03-2012, 11:20 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 04-03-2012, 12:16 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 04-03-2012, 12:04 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 04-03-2012, 12:46 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 06-03-2012, 07:30 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 06-03-2012, 07:56 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 06-03-2012, 09:12 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 11-03-2012, 12:52 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 11-03-2012, 11:50 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 11-03-2012, 08:51 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Beatrix LaVey - 11-03-2012, 11:57 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 17-03-2012, 04:35 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 18-03-2012, 11:00 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 30-03-2012, 02:21 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 01-04-2012, 08:49 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 05-04-2012, 08:51 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 05-04-2012, 11:32 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Ai_4ever - 06-04-2012, 02:00 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 07-04-2012, 09:44 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Beatrix LaVey - 08-04-2012, 01:04 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 11-04-2012, 01:47 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 11-04-2012, 04:43 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 11-04-2012, 05:14 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 11-04-2012, 05:16 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Ai_4ever - 11-04-2012, 08:24 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 16-04-2012, 09:55 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 16-04-2012, 11:29 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 21-04-2012, 04:59 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 21-04-2012, 06:30 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 22-04-2012, 05:56 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 24-04-2012, 09:18 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 24-04-2012, 10:35 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de October - 25-04-2012, 11:29 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 02-05-2012, 08:49 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 02-05-2012, 08:51 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 03-05-2012, 04:44 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 03-05-2012, 07:16 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 04-05-2012, 01:00 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 04-05-2012, 01:26 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Beatrix LaVey - 04-05-2012, 10:57 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 09-05-2012, 09:46 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 09-05-2012, 10:21 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 10-05-2012, 12:59 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 20-05-2012, 11:04 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 21-05-2012, 07:41 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 23-05-2012, 03:37 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 24-05-2012, 09:23 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 24-05-2012, 11:07 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 01-06-2012, 02:05 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 01-06-2012, 03:25 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 02-06-2012, 03:01 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 10-06-2012, 01:50 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 10-06-2012, 10:27 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 12-06-2012, 12:42 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 30-06-2012, 11:15 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 01-07-2012, 12:49 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 01-07-2012, 12:59 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 01-07-2012, 10:23 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 01-07-2012, 10:35 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Ai_4ever - 05-07-2012, 12:12 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 06-07-2012, 01:45 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 06-07-2012, 02:17 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 06-07-2012, 09:54 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Ai_4ever - 06-07-2012, 06:32 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 06-07-2012, 10:05 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Muffles - 08-07-2012, 10:55 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 10-07-2012, 03:49 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 10-07-2012, 04:22 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 10-07-2012, 03:23 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 11-07-2012, 10:35 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de October - 11-07-2012, 07:55 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Nirv - 11-07-2012, 07:55 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 12-07-2012, 01:20 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de MiraA - 22-07-2012, 05:29 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de AiciSunt - 22-07-2012, 07:07 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Ai_4ever - 22-07-2012, 07:35 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Nirv - 22-07-2012, 09:45 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Rain - 22-07-2012, 10:35 PM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de rali2009 - 23-07-2012, 12:28 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Beatrix LaVey - 23-07-2012, 02:37 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Lexxu - 23-07-2012, 11:04 AM
RE: I just wanna love you! - de Sushi - 06-09-2012, 03:19 PM

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