Suicide note generator

[Alisha]

May 5, 2012
Dear World,

I am not some psychotic f**k or pathetic loser trying to end my miserable, piece of shit existence. Nor am I one of these pussies using suicide as a cry for help. I am not protesting anything, not mad at the world, not drunk and playing with my gun, and I am not any of the other stupid reasons people kill themselves. I have a good reason.

I just snorted not 1, but 2 lines of coke off of not 2, but 3 hookers' chests. Then we all 4 made sweet beautiful love. The kind of sweet beautiful love they sing rap songs about and outlaw in southern states. Then we washed, rinsed and repeated until we were all dehydrated. Life is good.

So, tonight I kill myself as king of the world. Literally, things cannot get better. I have reached the pinnacle of life, and not just my life, but the zenith of existence itself. Bliss, Nirvana, Utopia. I am at the top of the mountain pissing down on the rest of you. Unfortunately, the days ahead of me will never be as good as tonight. So I have nothing to look forward to.

It is truly the best night that could and will ever be, which is why my life must end tonight. Life can now only get worse. Nothing is left for me here in this world. I already won. Every seemingly joyous moment from here forward would be compared to tonight and fall miserably short. So, I'm going out on top, high as hell, feeling good, and my seed spread in and among three beautiful women.

It was good to be me.

Alisha

P.S. Tell the insurance company I was killed by 2 black men. They'll buy that with no further questions.

[Addeh]

May 5, 2012
Dear World;

I wish everyone could know the pain I live with every day of my miserable life. Alas no, statistics tell me that only 1 in every 30,000 adult males has a penis less than 4 inches long and 2 inches around. Only they, my wee wienied brethren can even begin to understand the hurt I feel when I step up to a urinal and the stream of urine is only slightly smaller than the 3.28 inch long, 1.67 inch wide wanker from which it trickles.

I have tried pumps, creams, exercises, pulling, begging, pleading and god forbid; even praying. Nothing works, not even marginally on my miniscule member. So, everyday I try to lie to the world about possessing a petite pecker by peeling out in my Corvette, strutting around in expensive suits, talking about my mansion, dating strippers to show the world my virility and constantly crowing about my colossal cock.

But my Armani suits are just expensive costumes to hide my teeny-tiny tallywacker. My gigantic house is where I sit alone with my dwarf johnson. And the truth is the only thing I can stretch when it comes to my freakishly feeble frankfurter. Day in and day out I used to ask myself, "Adina, what would jesus do with a small penis? "

After hours of reading the bible, searching my soul and peering at my puny prick, I know now that there is no savior, at least not for my snack sized sex stub.

Adina R.
aka Addeh/Dander

P.S. If you have any questions or need to get in contact with me, see Whoopi Goldberg.

Dafuq!

[SouL_ReapeR]

May 6, 2012
To Whomever Found My Body;

Mom, if that's you reading this: I was actually murdered, my corpse was desecrated by those "damn, dirty, faggot-jew-muslim-hippie gypsies" you always warned us as kids about, they made me write this note to cover up their horrible, heinous crime and you should stop reading now.

If you're reading this and you're not my mother, then most likely I am hanging by a noose from the rafters with a smile on my face, a zucchini up my ass and covered in a wad of jiz and nacho cheese.

Damn it, I wish I wouldn't have kicked the chair so far or tied the noose so tight. Maybe I should have just sprung for a whore. Wolf, you cheap, dumb dead bastard.

Oh well, at least I died doing something I loved: Asphyxiating myself while watching Blue's Clues.

I knew I should have had a spotter.

Wolf

P.S. Just to be sure, could you check my pulse again?

O_O ... I mean ... WHAA? =]][posturi unite]
si inca una :

May 6, 2012
Dear Friends;

Mostly, this note is to that devious cunt Crazy4Clay69 who I thought was my best friend and who definitely won't be reading this. That's because that nasty twat committed suicide. Good riddance psycho-bitch.

Ever since we became online friends, I was constantly posting to reassure that neurotic snatch about our friendship. How much did I need her? "More than anything". Would I do anything for her? "Absolutely". And then that nutty skank set me up and fucked me over by asking what I'd do if she died.

Unthinkingly, I posted "I'd kill myself."

To which she replied, "Rely?"

To which I replied, "yes really"

To which she replied, "I meant to type, 'Really?'"

To which I replied, "I know what you meant, silly<8)"

To which she replied "Really?"

To which I replied "Really what? Did I know you meant 'Really?' when you typed 'Rely?' Or did I really mean I'd kill myself?"

To which she tried to reply, but the thread was too long and we had to start a new post. In the end I convinced Crazy4Clay69 that I would indeed kill myself if she died.

What the f**k were you thinking Wolf? You spend your whole life trying not to die in a jihad or as a religious sacrifice and then you piss it all away by casually agreeing to an online suicide pact. God damn it.

Sure, sure, I could clear out my temporary internet files, stop accepting cookies, sign up for a new journal and leave my old online world behind. But anyone who has spent even 2 minutes reading my blog knows that's not how I roll. I live up to my responsibilities, even when they technically aren't my doing (see my "Errrr!!!!! Blockbuster Late Fees" entry on September 6).

So, to all of you who have enjoyed my journal, I must say thank you, good-bye and be sure to sign my guestbook.

There is no emoticon to express how much I hate that cunt.

Wolf

P.S. Tell the insurance company I was killed by 2 black men. They'll buy that with no further questions.

asta m-a dat pe spate =]]]] 2 black men =]===

[Aggie]

May 6, 2012
Bitch I Told You,

I motherfucking told you. I told you. I god damn told you.

Tell me I didn't tell you.

You're a fucking liar, because I told you.

I god damn told you.

Maybe you weren't listening. Maybe your just too fucking stupid and thought I wasn't serious. But I told you.

Or maybe you were too busy drooling over all those cocks you wanted to suck to pay attention. But I told you. I don't know what the f**k's wrong with your hearing. What I do know is that I told you.

Just like my father told my mother and his father told his mother and his father told his mother, I told you.

What did I tell you? That's right, I told you I would fucking kill you and me both if you ever left me. Maybe from now on you will listen when I tell you something.
Agg

P.S. If I didn't go on a murderous rampage prior to my suicide, could you do it for me? It must have slipped my mind.

cand ma gandesc...

[Cherie]

May 6, 2012
Dear World;

Did you know that George Clooney was on The Facts of Life? Yeah, me neither. Jesus christ almighty.

Look it up though, its right there on wikipedia and his imbd page. f**k f**k f**k f**k. He was there with Tootie and Blair and the fat one and Jo and the housekeeper from Different Strokes. Live and learn as the unapplicable saying goes.

Diana you retard. Why the f**k do I insist on getting drunk and making stupid bar bets? And why do I continue to be friends with pricks who won't let me just pay to get my way out of them? I offered Jim $1,000 to call off the bet, but that cocksucker (Literally. True story--he polished my knob a couple years ago because he didn't know that William 'The Refrigerator' Perry had more Super Bowl touchdowns than Walter Payton--what a dumbfuck) said he couldn't take that amount from me.

That was just a stupid bet all the way around. For one, I think I kind of remember him being on that show now. It was when they opened that bakery or something right? Or was it a candy store? Maybe it was both. God damn it. For another, I was getting shitty odds: my life up against him licking my asshole. What horrible odds. You don't bet $500 to win $2--that's just stupid. No matter how right you think you are, you have to make sure the risk is equal to the reward. As much as I would have loved to have Jim tongue my shitter, I shouldn't have put up my life for it. I should have just said if I was wrong I'd suck his *****. But no, I was cocky and certain. I just had to announce to the bar that if I was wrong and George Clooney was on The Facts Of Life that I would kill myself.

So, while I should be gobbling Jim's baby gravy and/or licking his asshole, instead I am commiting suicide because I'm a man of my word. f**k you George Clooney.

Diana

P.S. I hope all that jesus and god and heaven bullshit is real.

[Kimera]

May 7, 2012
Dear Ungrateful World;

Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Olimpia, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. You're welcome.

For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven. Because of me, you heathen beasts won't have to endure any locust, floods, toads or ATF non-incendiary devices. Ingrate pricks.

So, start erecting statues, knocking out opponents, singing songs, scoring touchdowns, hitting home runs, hiding colored eggs every year around the 7th of May, and doing other shit for my glory because you fuckers owe me big.

Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Olimpia

P.S. Please mail my cable bill. It's on the credenza.

Prea de tot ))

[Katsu]

Dear Fellow Pawns;

Since November 1st, 1993 I have lived a lie that I can no longer go on with. I have started each of the last 6767 days by convincing myself that McDonald's would bring back the Double ZestaBurger--if only for a limited time and at only select locations. It was the only way I could get myself out of bed and through the day.

Alas, I can no longer lie to myself about my future. I now accept that it is bleak. I do not control my destiny, nor my happiness. Like all of you, I am just a pawn in McDonald's global marketing plan. The same company that has returned the McRib 672 limited times in the last 18 years has never given my well-being a second thought.

Well, congratulations, you win. McDonald's 1, Nykky 0. You have killed my will, spirit and soul; now my body will follow.

Luckily, I will be going to a better place. A place where my happiness won't be controlled by a multi-national conglomeration of fry cooks in cheap suits. While my body will be buried in the same ground where Ray Kroc's is surely spinning; my soul will be with his in heaven. Not here in purgatory controlled by the whims of MBA's from Hamburger U.

Together Ray and I will forever feast on that delicious ambrosia, the Double Zesta Burger.

Sincerely,

Nykky

P.S. If my sister's still dating interacially, tell her she can now get married.

[fleeting ray]

May 17, 2012

Dear Fellow Pawns;

Since November 1st, 1993 I have lived a lie that I can no longer go on with. I have started each of the last 6772 days by convincing myself that McDonald's would bring back the Double ZestaBurger--if only for a limited time and at only select locations. It was the only way I could get myself out of bed and through the day.

Alas, I can no longer lie to myself about my future. I now accept that it is bleak. I do not control my destiny, nor my happiness. Like all of you, I am just a pawn in McDonald's global marketing plan. The same company that has returned the McRib 672 limited times in the last 18 years has never given my well-being a second thought.

Well, congratulations, you win. McDonald's 1, Ileana 0. You have killed my will, spirit and soul; now my body will follow.

Luckily, I will be going to a better place. A place where my happiness won't be controlled by a multi-national conglomeration of fry cooks in cheap suits. While my body will be buried in the same ground where Ray Kroc's is surely spinning; my soul will be with his in heaven. Not here in purgatory controlled by the whims of MBA's from Hamburger U.

Together Ray and I will forever feast on that delicious ambrosia, the Double Zesta Burger.

Sincerely,

Ileana

P.S. Tell everyone I'm not psychotic.



hei Nykky Phoenix, se pare ca MCD ne-a ruinat viata amandurora .

[Ciquita]

May 17, 2012

Dear Ungrateful World;

Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Suzi, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. You're welcome.

For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven. Because of me, you heathen beasts won't have to endure any locust, floods, toads or ATF non-incendiary devices. Ingrate pricks.

So, start erecting statues, knocking out opponents, singing songs, scoring touchdowns, hitting home runs, hiding colored eggs every year around the 17th of May, and doing other shit for my glory because you fuckers owe me big.

Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Suzi

P.S. Tell the insurance company I was killed by 2 black men. They'll buy that with no further questions.

[Saravis]

May 20, 2012
Dear Ungrateful World;

Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Sara, being the 3rd coming of christ, I will still fulfill my destiny. You're welcome.

For you insolent pukes, I will shed my blood to once again open the gates of heaven. Because of me, you heathen beasts won't have to endure any locust, floods, toads or ATF non-incendiary devices. Ingrate pricks.

So, start erecting statues, knocking out opponents, singing songs, scoring touchdowns, hitting home runs, hiding colored eggs every year around the 20th of May, and doing other shit for my glory because you fuckers owe me big.

Jesus Christ III
a.k.a. Sara

P.S. If you have any questions or need to get in contact with me, see Whoopi Goldberg


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