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My ol' new pet

#1
Disclaimer: Nu detin niciun personaj din 'Kid vs Kat' al caror posesor adevarat este de fapt Rob Boutilier si nu fac profit de pe urma personajelor sau intamplarilor.


Varsta minima: 16, presupun. Vreau sa explorez mai multe... instante ale personajelor.
Gen: drama, romanta, deocamdata.
Limba: engleza.
Observatii cu privire la continut: Da, desi suna foarte ciudat, m-am inspirat din niste desene animate. Fic-ul l-am inceput, de fapt, acum cativa ani. Nu eram fana a acestor desene neaparat; eu si o prietena stateam cu surioara ei si ne uitam cu ea la acest serial, in acelasi timp amuzandu-ne ca personajele seamana cu noi (ciondanindu-me mai mereu). Eram mai micute. Ceva mai tarziu, fiindca imi era simpatic desenul am zis sa creez din el ceva total nou - o poveste serioasa, personaje mature (si maturizate), de asemenea si intrigi multe. Ceva oarecum inedit pentru un desenas micut si inocent, dar chiar mi s-a parut interesant sa fac asta. Am pus asta ca o descriere, pentru ca probabil ati ramas putin confuzi vazand ce produs audio-vizual am ales.
Iarasi, s-ar putea sa fie o discrepanta intre primul capitol si urmatoarele, intrucat am facut o pauza de vreo cativa ani. Nu aveam de gand sa continui, dar am primit multe 'review-uri' (da, l-am postat pe un alt site inainte, ca sa mentionez ca mai poate fi gasit si altundeva) in care eram rugata sa continui, asa ca abea recent m-am harnicit. Pana acum am doar 3 capitole - si voi face pe viitor mai multe, in functie de evolutia mea si de critici.
Tipul de comentariu solicitat: avansat. In primul rand, e foarte important sa imi insusesc engleza din ce in ce mai bine, intrucat dau examen in vara, si doresc sa-mi fie semnalate greselile. De asemenea, sunt curioasa si in privinta profunzimii povestii, deoarece vreau sa evoluez un pic si pe acest plan.

Imi cer scuze daca am omis respectarea vreunei reguli. Deoarece aceasta sectiune era unica (fic-uri in engleza) si nu se intersecta cu alte sectiuni (originale, Mordor's Gate) mi-am asumat riscul de a o posta aici.

Asadar, primul capitol ~...
(i-am vizualizat 'anime-ish' cat am scris asta)

Prologue

Years have passed for Burtonburger family, without changing the alienish routine of the house. Well, maybe a bit. Coop is now preparing for college, or better said, for leaving his childhood behind. No more space captains, comic books and cartoons. He's just graduated and this is the last summer he would spend with his family. Not only that; as he was growing up, the girls were more attracted to him, to his blue eyes and sober behaviour, but the feelings weren't really mutual. After he got one of them in bedroom, he wasn't emotionally active with them anymore, like he was as a freshman, and life got boring.

Mildred has just celebrated her Sweet 16, but she isn't as happy as she was as a child. After correcting her eye defect, she got really pretty. A curly slim brunette, and so all the boys were treating her nice because of her looks. Most of them also dared to hit on her, so it was really hard to find a guy who would look deep inside her soul. She needed her mom but, because she wasn't there, Milly was trying to learn about life from other girls, who were prissy, superficial and snobbish. Not to mention, frivolous after dawn.

But, not only their dad got older, it was also Mr Kat. He seemed to have changed during these years. He wasn't planning to return on his planet anymore, as he couldn't succeed before, so he got really quiet. Coop wasn't accostumed to that, but, as happy he was that he finally got a normal life, the more sorry he felt for the cat. He seemed so tired to try and make plans, that the only he did was eating, sleeping, meow-ing, sometimes purring or walking downstreet, aimlessly, with the dog whose owner, Mrs. Munson, has died one year ago. The boy was really worried for a period, thinking that Kat is only acting to deceive him and planning something terrible silently, but nothing really happened.

One day, Milly and her dad had to go to help a distant relative from far away, and Coop had to stay home and take care of everything. He was so dizzy that day, he forgot to buy food for Mister Kat. The teen stayed in his room to study a bit, and after, when he was about to exit, he almost stepped on the cat, who was sleeping near the door.

'Geez, what are you doing here?' Coop asked, with an involuntar shock on his face. 'I was about to splash ya, you know...'.
The feline raised up his ears, and looked, without making any gesture, at his 'owner'. His stomach was growling, and Coop found out immediatly what this was about.
'So, hungry?' he laughed, ironically. While he was searching some human food in the refrigerator, he joked: 'You know, if I'd be 10 again, I would let you starve!'

He put some meat in Kat's bowl, but no one came to eat. He went upstairs only to see that the cat was sleeping in the same place. 'Food is ready, c'mon!' but nothing happened. The boy lifted the animal in his arms and looked at him, 'Please don't try and kill me..again.. for that, but I think I miss the old times'.
The feline opened one eye and watched him, bored. Without any warning, he shaked the cat and he got the animal's claws in his skin. Then, Kat jumped from his arms and went slowly to eat. Coop's last words were running in his small head, and he was almost sorry that he got so tired to be himself again. Meanwhile, the boy thought that spending so much time away from his planet, Kat's brain limited to an animal's behaviour and all his intelligence has gone. But, he tried to ignore that and went to study again. After a few minutes, when the little fellow entered the room, Coop told him, seeming uninterested 'Do you want to go home?', only to see Kat jumping near him, almost ignoring the question, and falling asleep on his lap. ''I'll take this as a 'no' '', the teenager meditated.

The night came, and after locking all doors and checking everything, Coop went to sleep with Kat in his bed. But, at the midnight, when the Moon raised and an unexpected meteor shower appeared in the sky, the cat woke up and climbed the roof. His almost rusty collar glowed, and he felt a strange energy surrounding him, but he tried to go to bed and sleep. In the morning, Coop was huffing quietly, too lazy to get up, and he moved on the other side of the bed, only to climb up on someone. The teen got up, scared, not knowing if he drank something the day before. Laying beside him, there was a boy, around his age, with light, violet-ish hair, and Kat's collar. When he opened his eyes, he looked at Coop with his sly, black expression, as nothing would have happened.
'K-..kat?' the boy asked, almost struck by a heart attack.
'Ah.. what?' the just-humanized felined tried to say. 'I can talk like a human.. and I AM one!' he said, looking in a mirror, nearby.
Coop was still amazed, when Mr Kat turned around and shouted 'What do you stare at with that dumb look? Do you realise that I'm just a human, now?'
'And what's wrong about that?'
'What do you mean, jerk? How can I return now home with my inferior looks?' he shouted again, almost rawr-ing.
'Um, let me guess, when you were meow-ing back then, you were in reality insulting me... THAT much?' Coop asked, almost relaxed.
'Duh!' the ex-cat shouted, but tried to regain his coolness and think of something.
'Have you calmed down, now? Ok, let's try and clear all the things: why did you metamorphose?'
'Geez, I haven't, but I was drowned in a strange aura last night and look what happened!' Kat said, raising his arms and looking under, at his body.
'Ahh.. so it wasn't all just from your love for me.' he replied, sarcastically.

Kat looked at him and this time, instead of making a mean comment again, he began histerically laughing.
'Well, I don't want to interrupt your fun, but how would I cope with you now, that you're a human?' Coop asked with a 'smart-ass' attitude.

Kat shutted up and looked at the other boy, with serious and thoughtful eyes...


Sper ca v-a placut, si sper sa progresez. Am senzatia ca pe alocuri duc lipsa de profunzime, dar cu exercitiu, poate...
Deocamdata am pus doar primul capitol, sa vad un pic reactia si poate le cizelez urmatoarele doua pana sa continui.
[Imagine: ls.jpg]

#2
Mie chiar mi-a plăcut. xD Ok, deci îţi spun de pe la început, nu prea am să corectez greşelile de tastare sau altele, fiindcă mi se pare că nu prea ai, nu mă simt în stare, doarece nu sunt un geniu în engleză.
Acum să revin la totul: te felicit fiindcă te-ai hotărât să faci un fic după un cartoon şi nu după un anime. Rar vezi asta pe Zup, defapt nu am văzut un fic înspirat, până acum, după un desen animat. *laughs*
Aşa... păi mai mult o să mă leg de personaje, poveste, acţiune, dialog şi restul.
Un lucru am de spus: ai grijă că de multe ori nu ai pus de la capăt propoziţiile. Unele, nu toate, ca să ştii.
Şi deci, îmi place ideea, pentru început nu te-ai complicat cu foarte multe detalii, din contră ai descris fizică destul de bine personajele, mai ales pe Milly (vezi că undeva ai scris Midred).
Nu ai făcut o descriere ca la dosar, ceva în genul: "Milly was a teenager now, with beautiful shapes ,brunete hair and... " E mult mai bine cum ai făcut tu + ai adus vorba şi de situaţia ei cu vederea, ceea ce a pus într-o lumină mult mai bună, fata.
Coop, la fel, ai detaliat anumite comportări, trăsături de caracter, schimbări care l-au "maturizat" să spunem aşa, pe parcursul acestui capitol.
Acţiunea, pare ok, nu este grăbită, din contră mi se pare foarte bine structurată şi finisată.
Îmi plac şi ideile, ciar originale - domnul Kat e om acum şi nu ştiu de ce la început îmi tot semnala creierul yaoi. XD Oricum, nu cred că are să fie aşa ceva. Cu toate acesteai ai adus suspansul, misterul.
De ce spun mister, fiindcă cu toate că, în seara aceea a căzut un meteor, tu nu ai detaliat evenimentul, pur şi simplu ai ascuns anumite lucruri ce ar fi putut dezvolta ideea. Lăsând astfel misterul să se instaleze.
Ok... deja simt că mă încurc în propriile-m vorbe. *laughs*

Îmi place (cred că am repetat aceste două cuvinte de nenumărate ori), aştept nextul şi fii sigură că voi mai trece. Este o alegere originală, o să iasă ceva frumos dacă te vei ţine şi vei continua să lucrezi la fic. Eu una, chiar apreciez alegerea acestui cartoon, e foarte amuzant şi plăcut, cu siguranţă vei scoate ceva interesant din el. <3

#3
(21-01-2012, 01:50 AM)Fata cu păr de foc A scris: Disclaimer: Nu detin niciun personaj din 'Kid vs Kat' al caror posesor adevarat este de fapt Rob Boutilier si nu fac profit de pe urma personajelor sau intamplarilor.


Varsta minima: 16, presupun. Vreau sa explorez mai multe... instante ale personajelor.
Gen: drama, romanta, deocamdata.
Limba: engleza.
Observatii cu privire la continut: Da, desi suna foarte ciudat, m-am inspirat din niste desene animate. Fic-ul l-am inceput, de fapt, acum cativa ani. Nu eram fana a acestor desene neaparat; eu si o prietena stateam cu surioara ei si ne uitam cu ea la acest serial, in acelasi timp amuzandu-ne ca personajele seamana cu noi (ciondanindu-me mai mereu). Eram mai micute. Ceva mai tarziu, fiindca imi era simpatic desenul am zis sa creez din el ceva total nou - o poveste serioasa, personaje mature (si maturizate), de asemenea si intrigi multe. Ceva oarecum inedit pentru un desenas micut si inocent, dar chiar mi s-a parut interesant sa fac asta. Am pus asta ca o descriere, pentru ca probabil ati ramas putin confuzi vazand ce produs audio-vizual am ales.
Iarasi, s-ar putea sa fie o discrepanta intre primul capitol si urmatoarele, intrucat am facut o pauza de vreo cativa ani. Nu aveam de gand sa continui, dar am primit multe 'review-uri' (da, l-am postat pe un alt site inainte, ca sa mentionez ca mai poate fi gasit si altundeva) in care eram rugata sa continui, asa ca abea recent m-am harnicit. Pana acum am doar 3 capitole - si voi face pe viitor mai multe, in functie de evolutia mea si de critici.
Tipul de comentariu solicitat: avansat. In primul rand, e foarte important sa imi insusesc engleza din ce in ce mai bine, intrucat dau examen in vara, si doresc sa-mi fie semnalate greselile. De asemenea, sunt curioasa si in privinta profunzimii povestii, deoarece vreau sa evoluez un pic si pe acest plan.

Imi cer scuze daca am omis respectarea vreunei reguli. Deoarece aceasta sectiune era unica (fic-uri in engleza) si nu se intersecta cu alte sectiuni (originale, Mordor's Gate) mi-am asumat riscul de a o posta aici.

Asadar, primul capitol ~...
(i-am vizualizat 'anime-ish' cat am scris asta)

Prologue

Years have passed for ( you missed a "the" there ) Burtonburger family, without changing the alienish routine of the house. Well, maybe a bit. Coop is now preparing for college, or better said, for leaving his childhood behind. No more space captains, comic books and cartoons. He's just graduated and this is the last summer he would spend with his family. Not only that; as he was growing up, the girls were more attracted to him, to his blue eyes and sober behaviour, but the feelings weren't really mutual. After he got one of them in bedroom ( "in bed" or "in the bedroom" ), he wasn't emotionally active with them anymore, like he was as a freshman, and life got boring.

Mildred has just celebrated her Sweet 16 ( it's not a national celebration, so there's no use for a capital letter in "sweet" ), but she isn't as happy as she was as a child. After correcting her eye defect, she got really pretty. A curly slim brunette ( " a slim, curly brunette", sounds better to me anyway ), and so all the boys were treating her nice because of her looks ( because all boys are so shallow that they treat nicely only the good looking girls? Don't generalize. Maybe if you were to say "...and now she got more attention from boys than she used to" yeah, that would work. ). Most of them also dared to hit on her, so it was really hard to find a guy who would look deep inside her soul ( or just like her more than for her looks, that works too ). She needed her mom but, because she wasn't there, Milly was trying to learn about life from other girls, who were prissy, superficial and snobbish. Not to mention, frivolous after dawn. ( again, because there was no normal girl in wherever she was from? Generalization...)

But, not only their dad got older, it was also Mr Kat. He seemed to have changed during these years. He wasn't planning to return on his planet anymore, as he couldn't succeed before, so he got really quiet. Coop wasn't accostumed ( "accustomed" ) to that, but, as happy ( "as happy as he was" ) he was that he finally got a normal life, the more sorry he felt for the cat. He seemed so tired to try and make plans, that the only ( "thing"? ) he did was eating, sleeping, meow-ing ( "eat, sleep and meow", since you used "did" there ), sometimes purring or walking ( "purr and walk" ) downstreet, aimlessly, with the dog whose owner, Mrs. Munson, has ( "had" ) died one year ago. The boy was really worried for a period, thinking that Kat ( ok, so is it cat or Kat? Cause you used both of them and you got me confused ) is only acting to deceive him and planning something terrible silently ( this sounds like Kat was planning something in a terrible silence. "...that Kat was silently planning something terrible", that's more like it ), but nothing really happened.

One day, Milly and her dad had to go to help a distant relative from far away, and Coop had to stay home and take care of everything. He was so dizzy ( "air headed" works better ) that day, he forgot to buy food for Mister Kat. The teen stayed in his room to study a bit, and after, when he was about to exit, he almost stepped on the cat, who was sleeping near the door. ( again, cat or Kat? )

'Geez, what are you doing here?' Coop asked, with an involuntar ( "involuntary" ) shock on his face ( you can't have a shock on your face. You can have a shocked expression, otherwise, it just sounds like someone used a taser gun on his face...auch ). 'I was about to splash ya, you know...'. ( ehm...step on him maybe? He was just coming out of the room and you didn't mention him having a glass in his hand, or any liquid nearby for that matter. So...why splash? )
The feline raised up ( you can't raise down. "Raised" or "rose" his ears ) his ears, and looked, without making any gesture, at his 'owner'. His stomach was growling, and Coop found out immediatly ( "immediately" ) what this was about.
'So, hungry?' he laughed, ironically ( why ironical? He forgot to buy food and the cat/Kat? was hungry. I don't see anything ironical in that ). While he was searching ( "for" ) some human food in the refrigerator, he joked: 'You know, if I'd be 10 again, I would let you starve!' ( no...kids usually love pets and they're not sadists when it comes to their own )

He put some meat in Kat's bowl, but no one came to eat ( "no one" should be used when you have more than one character. Now you only had the cat/Kat, so "...but Kat/cat didn't come to eat" is the correct phrase ). He went upstairs only to see that the cat was sleeping in the same place. 'Food is ready, c'mon!' but nothing happened. The boy lifted the animal in his arms and looked at him, 'Please don't try and kill me..again.. for that, but I think I miss the old times'.
The feline opened one eye and watched him, bored. Without any warning, he shaked ( "shook" ) the cat and he got the animal's claws in his skin. Then, Kat jumped from his arms and went slowly to eat ( "Then, Kat jumped from his arms and slowly went to the kitchen to eat". Read the phrases out loud and see if you find anything wrong with how it sounds, it usually helps ). Coop's last words were running in his small head, and he was almost sorry that he got so tired to be himself again ( wait, what? That did not make any sense whatsoever. Aside the fact that "small head" was out of the blue, he was sorry that he got tired of being himself again? What? I do not get ). Meanwhile, the boy ( I'm seriously confused now...wasn't Coop the boy and Kat/cat the alien? Because here it sounds like you're talking about a whole different person by using "meanwhile the boy". You could have used " during the..." to make it obvious that you were still talking about Coop and not some other character. Or just not use anything at all, because it just sounds really confusing ) thought that spending so much time away from his planet, Kat's brain limited to an animal's behaviour and all his intelligence has ( "was" ) gone. But, he tried to ignore that and went to study again ( So he got out of the room just to get back inside to study again? How does that work? ). After a few minutes, when the little fellow entered the room, Coop told him ( "asked him" ), seeming uninterested 'Do you want to go home?', only to see Kat jumping near him, almost ignoring the question, and falling asleep on his lap ( well if he fell asleep, then he really ignored the question, not "nearly" ignored it ). ''I'll take this as a 'no' '' ( either you use '...' for the dialogue, or "...", but don't combine them. One or the other, not both ), the teenager meditated.

The night came, and after locking all doors and checking everything, Coop went to sleep with Kat in his bed. But, at the midnight ( "at midnight" no "the" ), when the Moon raised and an unexpected meteor shower appeared in the sky ( this needs rephrasing...badly ), the cat woke up and climbed the roof. His almost rusty collar glowed, and he felt a strange energy surrounding him, but he tried to go to bed and sleep ( who what when where? the cat went on the roof, and he tried to fall asleep there? Why? Why didn't he just stay in bed with Coop? Why did he try and fall asleep when he felt this strange energy thingamabob surround him? ). In the morning, Coop was huffing quietly, too lazy to get up, and he moved on the other side of the bed, only to climb up on someone. The teen got up, scared, not knowing if he drank something the day before. Laying beside him, there was a boy, around his age, with light, violet-ish hair, and Kat's collar. When he opened his eyes, he looked at Coop with his sly, black expression ( "blank" maybe ), as nothing would have happened ( "as if nothing happened" ).
'K-..kat?' the boy asked, almost struck by a heart attack.
'Ah.. what?' the just-humanized felined ( "feline" ?) tried to say. 'I can talk like a human.. and I AM one!' he said, looking in a mirror, nearby.
Coop was still amazed, when Mr Kat turned around and shouted 'What do you stare at with that dumb look? Do you realise ( "realize" ) that I'm just a human, now?'
'And what's wrong about that?'
'What do you mean, jerk? How can I return now home with my inferior looks ( "how can I return home now, with this inferior look" )?' he shouted again, almost rawr-ing.
'Um, let me guess, when you were meow-ing back then, you were in reality insulting me... THAT much?' Coop asked, almost relaxed.
'Duh!' the ex-cat shouted, but tried to regain his coolness and think of something.
'Have you calmed down, now? Ok, let's try and clear all the things: why did you metamorphose?'
'Geez, I haven't, but I was drowned in a strange aura last night and look what happened!' Kat said, raising his arms and looking under, at his body.
'Ahh.. so it wasn't all just from your love for me.' he replied, sarcastically.

Kat looked at him and this time, instead of making a mean comment again, he began histerically ( "hysterically" and also, it's the other way around. "Laughing hysterically" ) laughing.
'Well, I don't want to interrupt your fun, but how would I cope with you now, that you're a human?' Coop asked with a 'smart-ass' attitude.

Kat shutted ( "shut" ) up and looked at the other boy, with serious and thoughtful eyes...


Sper ca v-a placut, si sper sa progresez. Am senzatia ca pe alocuri duc lipsa de profunzime, dar cu exercitiu, poate...
Deocamdata am pus doar primul capitol, sa vad un pic reactia si poate le cizelez urmatoarele doua pana sa continui.

You have really weird way of structuring your phrases, you know that? It sounds almost the opposite of what you're trying to say. Also, careful with the tenses and the verbs and the "the's" and the...well actually everything. Read your phrases out loud and see if they sound ok to you, and if they don't, re-write them, because some of your phrases don't make any sense at all. You got me so confused by the end of this chapter that I don't know where to start or what to end it with. Maybe reading some books in English could help you grasp the grammar and the language better, so that you know how to express yourself in writing. Also, careful with how you describe or introduce your characters, because, while you're talking about the same character, you make it sound like you're talking about a completely different one.

Best of luck.
[Imagine: tumblr_m95uonbiuU1re9dfoo1_500.gif]




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