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Domination by [+16] [yaoi]

#19
in primul rand felicitari pentru fic, la amndoua.Este excelent.
Acum incepem cu niste mici critici.
Ai folosit cam prea mult ''obtiune'' la inceput, puteai pune si alt cuvant in afara de acesta. ''alegere'' de exemplu.Ceva in genu'.
Am mai observat un pleonasm, ma rog o forma de pl;eonasm pe care l-am mai intalnit la multe povesti.

isi dorea sa moara pentru todeauna
AIci sa-ti zic ca nu merge de loc.Adica moare pentru todeauna.Pei daca moare, este evident ca este pentru todeauna.
Cam asta ar fi si sa stiti ca imi palce mult ficul vostru.
Astept sa vad ce se mai intampla.:die: nnorocitul de ryo trebuie sa plateasca si sper ca sho sa il ajute pe ohno o//o 8->

:bye:
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Răspunsuri în acest subiect
Domination by [+16] [yaoi] - de Lye - 03-10-2008, 10:43 PM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 06-10-2008, 04:40 AM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 10-10-2008, 05:16 AM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 25-10-2008, 02:13 PM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Flash - 25-10-2008, 03:40 PM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Cri$tin@ - 25-10-2008, 04:44 PM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 29-10-2008, 10:26 PM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 04-11-2008, 05:02 PM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de ank_anime - 10-11-2008, 11:02 AM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 17-11-2008, 04:10 AM
RE: Domination by LYE & naruse_ryo(yaoi,+16) - de Naruse_Ryo - 01-12-2008, 07:00 AM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Mitsukai Yoru - 19-12-2008, 02:16 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Aiumy - 03-01-2009, 12:40 AM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de sweet_zoey - 20-01-2009, 07:28 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de MisS.sAdiStic - 21-01-2009, 11:29 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Lye - 22-01-2009, 05:46 AM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Alysu - 22-01-2009, 08:07 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de myuu - 23-01-2009, 09:53 AM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Kido - 23-01-2009, 03:34 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de MisS.sAdiStic - 23-01-2009, 07:50 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de dia_love_gackt - 23-01-2009, 09:20 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Child Of Sunset - 27-01-2009, 04:41 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Lye - 03-03-2009, 01:58 AM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Yaku-chin - 03-03-2009, 12:42 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Kitsune's Iris - 11-03-2009, 04:05 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de dia_love_gackt - 11-03-2009, 08:59 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de chrissta - 02-04-2009, 10:06 PM
RE: Domination by (yaoi,+16) - de Dark~Melody - 14-06-2009, 12:57 PM

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