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Death Note: Rebirth
Dantwyn Offline
05-06-2012 04:04 PM
Post: #1
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With certain pressure from certain people am decis sa imi postez fic-ul pe care l-am scris am vreo 4 ani. Calitatea scrierii lasa de dorit, stiu, dar a fost acum mult timp si ma concentram mai mult pe povestea in sine decat pe felul in care scriu. Primele 3 capitole le-am scris la vrajeala intr-o ora de fizica, abia mai incolo am luat-o in serios. Daca treceti de ele, s-ar putea sa va placa. 4

Minimum age: -
Genre: Death Note continuation - Modern-Fantasy/Mystery
Language: English
Observations: -
Wanted Criticism: (Gonna risk it and say) Advanced

Death Note: Rebirth
-Chapter 1: Fate-


Twelve years have passed since the death of Yagami Light, god of the new world, a world without crime...without any evil at all. Or at least that's what he wished for. He struggled until the end to banish evil from the human world and create a utopia...a place where everyone lives in peace. His method? The most deadliest weapon in the entire world : a notebook. But not just any ordinary notebook. A Death Note. The notebook of a death god in which they write humans' names to extend their own lives. But, the person whose name is written in this notebook will die.

Yagami Light received one of these notebooks of death from a death god named Ryuk. A death god that got bored of the death god world. He wanted to have a little bit of fun so he dropped one of his Death Notes in the human world.

In the years that followed, Ryuk did indeed have fun by joining Light in the creation of the new world while in the same time fighting against the two most brilliant detectives in the world : L Lawliet and Nate River. But in the end, the only detective remaining, Nate River, defeated Light, also known as Kira, and Ryuk had to write his name in his Death Note, just like they decided when they first met.

Years have passed and Ryuk remained lonely in an empty cave from the death god world waiting for his end to come. This was all that was left for him to do. But, unknowingly, another death god was always watching him from far away. It was the most strangest and the only one of a kind death god in the realm. A female death god. She had watched over Ryuk for all these years after he returned from the human world wishing that Ryuk wasn't so bored and that he wouldn't give up his life. She was in love with him... All she wanted to do was to find something interesting for Ryuk to do. Something that will make him want to live further. Then one day, an idea came to her. She thought he might have found a sollution for Ryuks' boredom.

So, she went to the one who held the biggest power within the Death God realm. The unique Death God King.

"Mizuu? Haven't seen you in years... Is there any problem? "

"I know I am just a mere death god, but because you are the King I have a first and last request for you..."

"A request? I never thought a king would actually be useful for something... Anyway, I'm not promising anything...What do you wish for, Mizuu? "

"Is there any way to......"

"To what? "

"To revive a human..."

This post was last modified: 05-06-2012 04:06 PM by Dantwyn.
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Niska

Retired Staff

.Wild Rose.

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    05-06-2012 04:36 PM
2
So.. nici nu prea stiu cu ce sa incep. N-am mai comentat de mult pe la Fan Fiction - am devenit o persoana destul de lenesa in ultimul timp - si niciodata la scrierile in Engleza, dar toate au un inceput, no? *haha* Trebuie facut ceva si cu lenea asta.

Anyway, am sa incerc sa nu ma lungesc prea mult la vorba, si sa scriu pe aici lucrurile importante. In primul rand, imi place ca ai ales sa-ti scrii Fic-ul in engleza. Nu stiu de ce, mereu ma atras asta la o poveste. Imi place cum suna, mai mult decat limba Romana, chiar. Majoritatea anime-urilor, obisnuiam sa le vad cu subtitrare in engleza. In fine. La modul cum ai scris nu pot sa te corectez a€“ probabil nici n-as avea cu ce. Nu sunt cine stie ce experta cand vine vorba de gramatica limbii engleze, stiu doar intr-atat incat sa inteleg perfect ce-ai scris a€“ iar mie mi se pare foarte ok. Ai folosit un limbaj a€™neutru’ cum s-ar zice. N-am intalnit cuvinte pretentioase sau expresii de care sa nu fii auzit - aici cred ca mai trebuie lucrat putintel. Ai folosit timpul potrivit atunci cand ai scris, cat si un mod atractiv, care cufunda cititorul in poveste si il determine sa continue sa citeasca - aiai e un + xDD.

Trecand la povestea in sine, nu stiu ce-as putea sa zic. Si eu am fost mare fan Death Note a€“ un anime genial, dupa parerea mea - asa incat iti dai seama ca n-as avea ce sa zic ca nu este la locul lui. Pe de o parte imi pare rau pentru saracul Ryuk, de pe o alta parte.. nu prea. Asa mai patesc oamenii (ma rog, indirect spus, ca el nu era om) atunci cand acestia cauta doar sa se distreze, si pun o anumita responsabilitate pe seama altora. Mi-a placut cum ai povestit in incipit, si imi place ideea cu personajul asta feminin indragostit. Ma plictisisem numai de tipa aia Misa in tot anime-ul. Dialogul e destul de interesant. Mi s-a parut suspicios, legat de ceea ce planuieste tipa, si imi place ca te-ai oprit la momentul culminant. Sunt tare curioasa sa vad ce urmareste de fapt.

In mare, ideea e buna, cat si modul de a scrie. Totusi, abia astept sa vad cum ai sa progresezi, si sunt curioasa, normal, de ceea ce se va alege de Light si de Ryuk. Cam asta e tot ce am avut de zis. Astept next-ul.


[Image: dh4h3a.png]

~.~
„Nu poti cunoaste cu adevarat decat ceea ce renunti a stapani.”
Dantwyn

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Ex-Staff

    Offline
    05-06-2012 06:05 PM
3
-Chapter 2 : Request-

"Have you gone out of your mind, Mizuu? Why the hell would you even want to do that? "

"Does the reason really matter? "

"Of course it matters...You couldn't possibly do such a thing without a good reason!"

"The reason is...love, sir..."

"What? Love for...doesn't matter...I guess I can't do anything against such feelings...So I'll just tell you the one way to revive a human."

"Thank you! Thank you! I will be deeply grateful for this!"

"The only way for a human to be revived...is for him to come back as a death god...But, as for everything, there is a price to this...In order for a human to morph into a death god, a life of another death god must be sacrificed..."

"I'll do it!"

"What?!? You really aren't thinking clearly, Mizuu...I can't let you do this..."

"My thoughts and feelings will never change. I have to do this!"
"Oh...very well...It looks like I'll have to help you..."

And so, Mizuu and the death god King set off for the Altar of Dehumanizing...
K.V.


*
Nou Venit

    Offline
      34
      05-06-2012 08:45 PM
    4
    Pfoai, trebuia sa las comentariu.
    Pentru inceput, gramatica e bunicica, se vede ca ficul a fost scris cu ani in urma, deci nu exceleaza. Ai fost "neutru", cum a zis si freetolove, nici foarte simplist, nici cine stie ce expresii, dar mi'a placut. "The most deadliest" 24. Trebuia sa rad. C'mon, dai macar o corectura asa, din avion, inainte sa postezi. Oricum, cum ai zis si tu, povestea a contat mai mult, insa trebuie sa tii cont si de aspectul gramatical al ficului.
    Povestea e interesanta. Am avut si eu un fic death note, in romana, dar era yaoi si se baza pe film, nu pe anime. Ma rog, nu m'am gandit niciodata sa ma axez pe partea de shinigami, chiar am fost surprinsa sa citesc asta. Wise plot ^^.
    Personajele tale sunt cam anemice, mai ales regele ala al shinigamilor 40. Ce rege e ala, de face tot ce i se spune, de accepta niste chestii...? M'a speriat.
    Hm... mai voiam sa zic ceva dar am uitat24.
    Anyway, astept urmatorul capitol.


    [Image: wmb5n8.jpg]
    Lia

    Admin

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        1,782
        05-06-2012 08:49 PM
      5
      The story gets better, I've read all of the 60 chapters. Wait and see girls.

      I'm pretty much aware of your mistakes as I've signaled them to you eons ago when I've had the chance to read the entire thing, which is pretty long; I have to say so the supply of it for your new fans is quite nicely stocked.

      It does improve along the way and at the end I was baffled by the swift turn of events, though I have to say that I remember nagging you about every simple mistake, which I did less and less as the story progressed.

      You know what I think.

      I want my two cents.

      This post was last modified: 06-06-2012 11:02 AM by Lia.


      [Image: sigforme.png]


      probabil n-ai primit niciodata
      telegramele mele sau poate
      nu credeai ca e vital cand
      lumea mea se descompunea
      in ceasuri si goluri
      de mine

      au imbatranit in cadente
      si sentimentele mele
      sub greutatea
      atator vieti netraite...


      Clicky
      Dantwyn

      Retired Staff

      Ex-Staff

        Offline
        05-06-2012 08:56 PM
      6
      Quote:"The most deadliest" . Trebuia sa rad.
      Oh wow, si stiam de greseala aia, uitasem complet de ea. 21

      Quote:Personajele tale sunt cam anemice
      In general lucrurile sunt cam anemice pe la inceput, o data pentru ca primele cateva capitole nu le-am scris cu seriozitate, dar si pentru ca a fost prima data in viata cand chiar am scris ceva. De-a lungul celor 60 de capitole eu zic ca am avansat totusi ceva. 4 Cel putin asa sper. <3 Incepand cu al 4lea capitol am inceput sa fac mai serios. 17


      -Chapter 3 : Altar of Dehumanizing-

      The altar was set in the most unpopulated area within the death god realm. But since the time when it was created i became only a ruin. It had probably never been used in its entire existence.
      It was made of five identical pillars placed in such a way that they formed a pentagram. In the center of this pentagram there was drawn a symbol that resembled a snake holding a cross in his mouth.

      The deaht god King instructed Mizuu to walk towards the center of the pentagram while he started activating the altar by touching every pillar one by one which seemed to aknowledge the presence of a King.

      "Mizuu, what is the name of this human you want to revive? "

      "I believe it is...Yagami Light, sir..."

      "Yagami? That name sounds quite familiar..."

      "Well, everyone has heard of him since Ryuk returned..."

      "Yes, you must be right...Let's begin."
      K.V.


      *
      Nou Venit

        Offline
          34
          05-06-2012 10:11 PM
        7
        Good, good. Astea nu prea sunt capitole, ci franturi micute, drept pentru care ar trebui sa te uiti peste ele45. Greselile nu ma sacaie mai niciodata pentru ca la un capitol de vreo 5 pg de word, sari cu vederea, dar la cateva randuri ale tale, acele "deaht" si "aknowledge", un "it" mancat, pana si eu le'am observat, care nu's cine stie ce geniu la engleza24.
        Anyway, mi'a placut altaru ala. Sarpele care simbolizeaza medicina (viata), pentagrama care e folosita in general la sacrificii, invieri (chestii mai neortodoxe24 ), lucruri deci legate prin simbolistica. Smart move15.
        Mna, astept capitolele alea scrise cu seriozitatea, me's curious.


        [Image: wmb5n8.jpg]
        Dantwyn

        Retired Staff

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          05-06-2012 10:37 PM
        8
        -Chapter 4 : Enjoyment-

        Meanwhile, in a hotel room from the human world...

        "Lidner, could you get me the file on the Denson's case?"

        "Right away, Near..."

        "And while you're at it, stop by the Police Department and retrieve the evidence from the last case."

        "Understood. I'll be back as soon as I can."


        Near was now 24 years old and was still one of the greatest detectives of all time. But his abilities were never required too much since the Kira case. Within these years most of his team's members have quit, leaving only Lidner on Near's side.

        January the 28th. Precisely twelve years since Kira's death. Near stood alone in one of the hotel rooms he used as a headquarters. Despite his age, he still played with his old toys. He was reconstructing a crime scene from his latest case when he noticed two pieces of paper, took them and threw them in the trash can. Then he resumed his work. About 10 minutes later he heard an ambulance passing by. Or so he thought. Actually it was pulling over right in front of the hotel entrance. Near approached the window, opened it, looked down and didn't believe what he was seeing. Three doctors were carrying Lidner's dead body on a stretcher. He would've hurried downstairs but he couldn't risk revealing his face to the public. So he went to his computer and tried to contact the hospital but suddenly all his computers shut down by themselves and there was nothing he could do to turn them back on. He thought it might be a power failure but all of the other utilities were working perfectly, except for the phone.
        He then sat down on the sofa and started thinking about what could've happened to Lidner.

        "It's a heart attack, Near..."

        The sudden voice scared him off the sofa and he was now lying on the floor, facing up and right in front of him sat a nostalgic yet terrifying figure.

        "...Why are you back...Ryuk?"

        "I thought I'd drop by and say hello. So...Hello!"

        "Saying hello by killing Lidner?"

        "Huh? That wasn't me..."

        "It was me, Near!"

        An even more terrifying figure was now standing on a couch besides Near's desk.

        "Y-...Yagami Light?!? B-...but you're dead!"

        "Dead? Death gods can't die Near, you should know that better than anyone."

        "But you're not-...are you?"

        "I am now. And it's time for me to return to my fellow humans. Now that I gained immortality no one can stop me from ruling over my future utopia."

        "You were just a murderer when you were alive! And you haven't changed since..."

        "I feel sorry for you Near. You really don't understand what is best for the future of mankind."

        "I'll stop you no matter what. There's always a way."

        "What? I can't hear you clearly. Anyway, I don't have time to spare. I have to go. See you later."

        "He, he..."


        Light and Ryuk both fled out the window leaving Near alone once again. But as they were getting farther and farther away from the hotel, a booming sound came from Near's window. The entire room was blown up along with him. But none of the two turned around to see what was happening. They continued to fly away from the hotel, Ryuk experiencing a burst of enjoyment and Light with an evil grin on his face...
        Lia

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            1,782
            06-09-2012 12:22 AM
          9
          Din pacate userul in cauza nu mai activeaza pe forum, singurul motiv pentru care a postat fic-ul e ca il rugasem eu. Sa zicem ca nu a rezistat pe un forum unde varsta medie e de 15-16 ani, in ciuda insistentelor mele.

          Nu cred ca poti gasi fic-ul pe altundeva din pacate. Era mai bun, erau 60 de capitole, dar asta e. Sper ca te-am lamurit.

          /closed


          [Image: sigforme.png]


          probabil n-ai primit niciodata
          telegramele mele sau poate
          nu credeai ca e vital cand
          lumea mea se descompunea
          in ceasuri si goluri
          de mine

          au imbatranit in cadente
          si sentimentele mele
          sub greutatea
          atator vieti netraite...


          Clicky

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